Theres a Thin Line Between Love and Fatal Attraction

I think too much. I feel too much. So does he, this guy I work with. But something is off about him and his lack of ability to control his thoughts and moods. When I decided to turn to him to talk, it sparked this topic that I realized that he is very passionate about, music. I felt my heart beat faster as we found even more that we have in common. Cool, I thought to myself, he’s definitely my type, I liked him again. Right when I come to terms with liking LB I think of the past and his inability to control his thoughts, his emotions and then I trailed off to my ex Larry.

Larry wasn’t capable of love. He wasn’t able to control his thoughts and emotions. Although Larry was passionate, something that I was very attracted to, his passion turned into a monster. I spent a year with Larry dealing with his bullshit, abusing me mentally and physically. It was light at first, he was my best friend. I was always around his family, I loved them too. We would play fight in his mother’s living room all the time and one day it turned sour. I was on the floor fighting to breathe in the strength of his hands gripping my neck. I was limp trying to tell him to stop, trying to tell him I can’t breathe. Right then and there I thought it was over, the moment I let go and my eyes hung shut, he let go. It didn’t stop me from loving him because 19 year old me thought it was a mistake.  Things turned more sour when he decided to break up with me every weekend just to watch my heart break for no reason. His thrill was to hurt me, his insecurities made him jealous, made him delusional. He always thought I was talking to another guy, and would hide behind the computer to start facebook fights with every guy friend I had. While we were broken up he cheated on me on the weekends while I cried in my friend’s arms. I loved him and he was fatally attracted to me and like every fatal attraction relationship it ended horribly. I had an abortion and decided to move across the country, to get far away from him. Now do I know that LB is like Larry? Hell no, who am I to judge, but I feel what I feel and something doesn’t feel right, sometimes.

I can tell you, whoever you are, that I don’t like LB, that he’s too much; he’s disrespectful, he points out every single flaw that I carry with me, he’s too passionate, jealous, and insecure but because both LB and I know what’s real, liking him will never change. Sometimes the feeling is gone, but they’ll come back like a flood breaking down a concrete wall. There’s nothing I want more than to see what it’s like. What he’s really like, without the audience. I can tell myself that I will not date him, not if I can help it but I want to. I’m in love with fatal attraction. I’m attracted to obsession, as crazy as that sounds. Not saying that I want to be crazy in love, I want to be crazy in love in the most diluted way possible. There’s a really thin line for me.
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Dead Ends and Cliche Living

I need need need to get out of this path that has already been paved and sought out. I don’t feel comfortable on this journey that I’ve been recommended, almost forced to take on. I look around and I see satisfaction from others, then I glance at my self and see a tortured soul. 6 years out of high school, 5 years working for someone else…this can’t be what I’m supposed to do for the rest of my life. I feel like I’m in a nightmare where people can’t hear my cries. Everyone looks so satisfied and content, and here I am suffering. Yeah, it’s dramatized to say the least, but this is the perfect depiction of how I feel inside. Emptiness, meaningless. But it’s not over. It’s actually just begun, because I feel like I’m a chosen one, someone who is awake, someone who has realized that this cliche way of life, I don’t have to live that. I don’t have to stay in one city, I don’t have to follow one career path, I don’t have to work for someone else’s success story. I’m at the bottom of the food chain, corporate america is not for me. I will not work my way up, I will create my own top. I will do the things I breathe passion through. I will give my sweat, tears and blood to create my own path to my destiny. I’m not created to be on the bottom, it’s clear to me now. I don’t get along with people here, I don’t see my full potential here. My shine is else where. I just have to figure out what to do next. I’m working on it. 

Living in a small, and dragging city is the worst. There’s nothing to do, no great big opportunities for those who are trying to break through. Sacramento, is just a city where people move to, to slow down and start a family, no room to flourish, just confine and adapt. 

How about you, where ever you are, do you stop to think what your doing at a dead end job, making next to nothing? Where do you see your life taking you? Do you think it’s time to start making plans and doing something that will make you feel alive everyday? Not to say I’m ungrateful because I’m blessed that I even have a job, but doesn’t mean that I should settle, nor should you. Let’s reach our full potential, whatever it may be. 


JADE.

Definition

Pretty, ugly.

Categorically defined by beauty
From the masses of nobody’s who can’t seem to even grasp the true concept of what beauty is
My beauty isn’t confined within the lines
My beauty runs free from the lies
Recognize this pretty, ugly
For it is the true beauty that the masses fail recognize
It is the truth in which I console deep within me
The beauty is in my energy that electrifies through my veins and released to those who know
Those who are open to me and accept this
Rare undefined beauty…
Shani Davis.

Paths Crossed

I like him. There’s this magnetic pull on me for him. It’s killing me. It’s been three long months at this job where I answer incoming phone calls from the inquiring minds of the working class regarding their health and life insurances. It’s a job, underpaid, and an unsettling work environment but I’ve learned to adjust to make myself sane, key word sane.

I remember seeing him for the first time; lets call him LB. It was the first day of training and they broke us off into groups to direct us go into empty rooms, for organizational purposes. I stood across from him and I didn’t notice him until I saw him tugging on his clothes, looking down at his shoes every 5 seconds. I tilted my head in observation, analyzing his movements and the moment I looked away I caught him look at me. I didn’t think anything of it as they separated him and I to different team supervisors. For a couple days I didn’t see his face, nor did I really care, I was nervous about this new job. A few days of training passed and I had to move to a different group for whatever reason, I have no clue of til this day. I was going to be in a group with fidgety boy, LB. I didn’t even know he was in my group til I walked to the corner desk, which would be my new seat; he was standing in front of this girl having small talk. I said good morning politely and looked into his eyes, I wanted to be genuinely nice to my new coworkers. He perked up and said good morning and said our how are yous before I sat down.  I got my desk ready and signed into my programs and made sure I was prepared for a long day of lecturing and fighting to stay awake. My new supervisor was not the nicest as she looked at me with eyes hatred, and my vibes from her was very nasty. I knew I couldn’t confide in her; whatever her complexes may be. She end up moving him away from me which was fine, but I was stuck on him, I really didn’t know what it was but I found myself looking at him with concern, trying to adjust to the feelings I felt, trying to make sense of them. Then it was evident on my half hour break that same day. I was walking down the hall looking down at my phone and LB and I bumped into each other, head first, reaction soon after. Then out of nowhere he slid close in front of me. I looked at his chest rise and fall and looked up at his mouth and once I felt his breath I snapped out of reality, left out a huge goof ball chuckle and blurted out excuse me. I walked fast down the hall way to get to the break room stunned trying to figure out what happened down the hall way a couple of mins ago. I kept replaying the events in my head, trying to figure out how that happened. That’s when I felt my heartbeat pacing fast as I walked all the way back to my seat before lunch was over. From that point on I knew there were feelings there, but there was my religion. I didn’t believe in work relationships and I just felt like he was choosing, so I made a decision to lay low, honestly I was afraid of the strong feelings stirring up in me. So for a week we looked at each other flirtatiously. We would lock eyes and smile amidst the chaos around us, and I’d catch him stare at me from time to time, I felt so high, I felt so high school. I knew everybody knew. I knew everybody felt it, I felt as if our tension was radiating in the room.
Then there were times where I felt so low, as I watch the women around him, jealousy brewed as soon as I stepped in his peripheral view. I watch people judge me any moment they could, talk about me, patronize, and criticize me, and all for nothing that mattered, unless LB mattered to them. I immediately felt uncomfortable; I didn’t even get a chance to get comfortable in this new group. I felt closed in, but I didn’t let it get the best of me. I could see the need for a man’s attention from the women whether it may be platonic in my group. There isn’t plenty man to go around. I watch friendships form and I was still stuck in the corner, I felt that those who spoke about me tried to talk to me once my supervisor did another seating arrangement and I felt uninterested, even with LB. I took pride in focusing on staying awake, and paying attention to our training. Still being patronized, talked about, criticized, amazingly enough, I was able to withstand it, of course through the grace of God. My supervisor, someone who I should confide in watched me devilishly as hate spread across the group for me. I took it, passive aggressively but the person I expected least to get sucked in the hate was LB.
I watch these girls grab his attention, plotting and scheming, making me look bad, pointing out my flaws in front of him but he always smiled at me; he always perked up when I’d turn to acknowledge him. I was flattered and as our relationship slowly peaked at the horizon on the day before the last day of training, and on the very last day, everything crashed because of this girl. This real hood girl, she reminds me of a gross sister from proud family, lets call her DQ. Mean spirited, she seen what was going on between LB and I, and she decided to do anything in her power to ruin it. She was successful, because on the last day of training he joined in with the trend and from that day forward I made a conscious decision to forget about whatever we could have had between us. The hate engulfed him, and I realized he wasn’t as conscious as he made himself appear to be. Being a sapiosexual he was no longer attractive to me.
 He continued his constant hate because he knew that that would be the only way to get my attention. For the remainder of the time I’ve been working there, I remained passive aggressive. I’ve had to take up seeing a therapist, have a daily breathing ritual, and even remove myself from the area. All because of this man, LB, because it’s his fucking world at my job. The women want to be around him, the guys want to be cool with him, or maybe even be like him. The women attempt to make me jealous. They wish they could get a guy to give them the attention like he gave me. It’s sad because I know the words that they put out into the universe are only a reflection of themselves.
So after all the crap he put me through, you’re probably wondering why I would even like him. I can’t even explain why I even liked him the day I said good morning, I just did. Sometimes I wonder if it could be fate. I bumped into him 5 times and I’ve never bumped into anyone like I have with him. We have too much in common, it pisses me off and often times it’s disappointing, because things could’ve panned out differently, I could have dated him. The moral of the story is, just because the feeling is still there doesn’t mean that we’re going to be together, not if I can help it. I’m teaching my mind to aid my heart’s wants. This too shall pass…
 

JADE.

Men and Their Expectations

Let me show you how real I am 
Let me reveal to you the insecurities in which I dwell deep in
Let me prove to you that my true self is still beautiful
Without out the makeup, the fake hair, the fancy clothes
Let me make you smile with my laughter
Let me make you warm with my touch
Let me prove to you there’s still good in this world
Only if you accept me for who I am
Let me help you believe in yourself
Only if you lift me up from the insecurities in which I dwell deep in
Let me love you unconditionally
Only if you love me unconditionally.
Shani Davis

Sex Has Ruined My Life

Nude pics

Dirty flicks
Infatuation

Second nature

Caught up in the now hoping for forever lasting moments
But i should have took a picture
Love is meant to be broken
Fill the void fill the void
You’re meant to be broken
Kill the noise in your head
As i lie in their bed comforted by lies
Their lying eyes distance them self from mine
Cold eyes in contrast from their hot body
Dripping cool sweat in the pores of my skin
Drowning in their lies
I’m drowning.