love, love diary

Avoiding the Dogs

“Get your lil sexy ass up girl. I’ll make it worth it, trust me…” His voice echoed in my mind when I read his text, wonder what the fuck he thinks this is. Who the fuck he thinks I am. He’s a stranger to me, someone who although I’ve been texting for the past couple weeks, I’ve yet gotten to know who he truly is. Meet Jay, 27, found him on tinder (which he actually deleted) and when I first seen his picture and description I was immediately interested. 6’0, half and half, he’s got that rugged light skin minus the pretty boy look, which I love. Oh and he sells vacuums, which I find a little suspect but not gonna be judgmental. Originally from Boston which was a plus for me because I love them dominant. He moved to Sacramento reasons I have no idea of other than his friends live out here. He has no family out here. Besides of the little things I know about him, he raised a huge red flag for me today.

While I was laying down he invited me to meet him at the park that happened to be down the street from me. I was lazy this morning and decided to turn him down on the idea and mentioned that I just want to lay in my bed and masturbate. In good ole’ Jade fashion, I didn’t even realize how I turned the conversation into something sexual. In no time he decided to invite me to his work van, where we would have sex. He was very up front about what he wanted. That turned me all the way off.

“I got a van I can pick U up in and we can have a lil bit of fun lol.”
“You’d love that. My work van lol sounds creepy I know lmfao.”
“But since we don’t have place to kick it.”

Automatically, things got awkward. He then invited me to his place which is 30 mins away from where we were both at. I realized that this guy was adamant on seeing me after my ignorant statement. I was really into this guy and was disappointed that he was ruining everything text after text. I tried to save him by letting him know how I wanted us to work. I tried to explain how I don’t have sex with strangers and “I’d rather get to know you by going out on dates first.” He acknowledged it, but he was persistent. It angered me especially since I let it go on for hours, trying to string him along but at the end of the day a dog is going to be a dog. Time passed and my assumption is that he got tired and stopped texting me.

I’m so glad that I’m satisfied with that. There was a time that I wasn’t. I’m now at a place where I’m understanding but not willing to give any chances.

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love poetry, poetry

Changes Remain

Time flies and as you experienced every emotion imaginable, he’s engraved in your head

everyday of the week
every scenario
you could see him looking deep into you when you close your eyes and it almost makes you feel half crazy half disappointed because you know
everyone knows you could do better
You force fed the thought that it will never work between you and him
and in time the feelings became diluted to the point where you could look him dead in his eyes and not even feel a flutter deep in your gut as you used to
yet you still think of him
any day of the week
night or day
with no feelings attached, its like he’s here to stay
bitter,
indignant,
upset,
sorrowful,
lighthearted,
tranquil,
passionate,
and more of which as it seems he’d be there to stay
yet still at the end of it all
it’s not your turn to take the fall so remain where you’re at
mindful of what remains never be willing to make the change
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Uncategorized

And Just As the Seasons Changed…

My feelings for this guy are non existent
As simple as the flowers began to bloom on the trees
I’m beginning to allow the love for myself to bloom once again
And I can look and smile at him with no restriction in my chest
I can to talk to him like I talk to everyone else
I’m free to the hopes of someone else
Instead of being confined in a prison that I made personally for myself
The torture I felt just the other day

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musings, poetry, Vent

Vent 001

I wish I never knew him.

Clouding my vision
Wondering if Ill ever reach clarity
From these feelings I loathe inside of me
Some days are easier than others
Fridays are the hardest
Impatiently waiting for someone to steal his spot
Someone who looks better and treats me right
As if I hate him for existing
I hate me for allowing him to exist
Unsure of what has taken over me
When I see her pretty little face down the hallway
I give her a deep stare knowing what she’s done
Jealousy bubbles up inside me
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being in love, fatal attraction, love, love diary, relationships

Theres a Thin Line Between Love and Fatal Attraction

I think too much. I feel too much. So does he, this guy I work with. But something is off about him and his lack of ability to control his thoughts and moods. When I decided to turn to him to talk, it sparked this topic that I realized that he is very passionate about, music. I felt my heart beat faster as we found even more that we have in common. Cool, I thought to myself, he’s definitely my type, I liked him again. Right when I come to terms with liking LB I think of the past and his inability to control his thoughts, his emotions and then I trailed off to my ex Larry.

Larry wasn’t capable of love. He wasn’t able to control his thoughts and emotions. Although Larry was passionate, something that I was very attracted to, his passion turned into a monster. I spent a year with Larry dealing with his bullshit, abusing me mentally and physically. It was light at first, he was my best friend. I was always around his family, I loved them too. We would play fight in his mother’s living room all the time and one day it turned sour. I was on the floor fighting to breathe in the strength of his hands gripping my neck. I was limp trying to tell him to stop, trying to tell him I can’t breathe. Right then and there I thought it was over, the moment I let go and my eyes hung shut, he let go. It didn’t stop me from loving him because 19 year old me thought it was a mistake.  Things turned more sour when he decided to break up with me every weekend just to watch my heart break for no reason. His thrill was to hurt me, his insecurities made him jealous, made him delusional. He always thought I was talking to another guy, and would hide behind the computer to start facebook fights with every guy friend I had. While we were broken up he cheated on me on the weekends while I cried in my friend’s arms. I loved him and he was fatally attracted to me and like every fatal attraction relationship it ended horribly. I had an abortion and decided to move across the country, to get far away from him. Now do I know that LB is like Larry? Hell no, who am I to judge, but I feel what I feel and something doesn’t feel right, sometimes.

I can tell you, whoever you are, that I don’t like LB, that he’s too much; he’s disrespectful, he points out every single flaw that I carry with me, he’s too passionate, jealous, and insecure but because both LB and I know what’s real, liking him will never change. Sometimes the feeling is gone, but they’ll come back like a flood breaking down a concrete wall. There’s nothing I want more than to see what it’s like. What he’s really like, without the audience. I can tell myself that I will not date him, not if I can help it but I want to. I’m in love with fatal attraction. I’m attracted to obsession, as crazy as that sounds. Not saying that I want to be crazy in love, I want to be crazy in love in the most diluted way possible. There’s a really thin line for me.
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career path, destiny, musings, thoughts

Dead Ends and Cliche Living

I need need need to get out of this path that has already been paved and sought out. I don’t feel comfortable on this journey that I’ve been recommended, almost forced to take on. I look around and I see satisfaction from others, then I glance at my self and see a tortured soul. 6 years out of high school, 5 years working for someone else…this can’t be what I’m supposed to do for the rest of my life. I feel like I’m in a nightmare where people can’t hear my cries. Everyone looks so satisfied and content, and here I am suffering. Yeah, it’s dramatized to say the least, but this is the perfect depiction of how I feel inside. Emptiness, meaningless. But it’s not over. It’s actually just begun, because I feel like I’m a chosen one, someone who is awake, someone who has realized that this cliche way of life, I don’t have to live that. I don’t have to stay in one city, I don’t have to follow one career path, I don’t have to work for someone else’s success story. I’m at the bottom of the food chain, corporate america is not for me. I will not work my way up, I will create my own top. I will do the things I breathe passion through. I will give my sweat, tears and blood to create my own path to my destiny. I’m not created to be on the bottom, it’s clear to me now. I don’t get along with people here, I don’t see my full potential here. My shine is else where. I just have to figure out what to do next. I’m working on it. 

Living in a small, and dragging city is the worst. There’s nothing to do, no great big opportunities for those who are trying to break through. Sacramento, is just a city where people move to, to slow down and start a family, no room to flourish, just confine and adapt. 

How about you, where ever you are, do you stop to think what your doing at a dead end job, making next to nothing? Where do you see your life taking you? Do you think it’s time to start making plans and doing something that will make you feel alive everyday? Not to say I’m ungrateful because I’m blessed that I even have a job, but doesn’t mean that I should settle, nor should you. Let’s reach our full potential, whatever it may be. 


JADE.

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poetry

Definition

Pretty, ugly.

Categorically defined by beauty
From the masses of nobody’s who can’t seem to even grasp the true concept of what beauty is
My beauty isn’t confined within the lines
My beauty runs free from the lies
Recognize this pretty, ugly
For it is the true beauty that the masses fail recognize
It is the truth in which I console deep within me
The beauty is in my energy that electrifies through my veins and released to those who know
Those who are open to me and accept this
Rare undefined beauty…
Shani Davis.
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