black love, dating and love, dating and relationships, falling in love, finding love blog, love blog, online dating

I found love on POF (late post)

 

POF, which is plenty of fish for those who aren’t on the online dating craze, is one interesting ass website, I mean I’ve seen all types of people on there from men in prison to “pastors” looking for their first lady. I never thought I’d find the love of my life, and the sad part is that I haven’t even met him yet. I don’t love openly and I’m very hardened based on my judgments of men. I guess you can say I’m a sexist; every man in my life and my friend’s and family’s lives have done nothing but hurt. Growing up seeing not one single positive image of a man, I personally feel no remorse for the way I feel. So on my profile I make it very clear what I want which came out to be 3 long paragraphs but it’s really helped to weave out the fuck boys. I think I found the one and its about to get real corny… There he was virtually, in my message box with his attractive ass. He looked so masculine and not in a look at me I got muscles. It was his eyes, light brown and full of real man qualities. I seen it all with him, and from that point on nobody else on POF mattered. I didn’t know what I was feeling and tried to make sense of it while we messaged back n forth. I kept going to his profile page to look for an answer as to why I was so drawn to him. But there was nothing that he wrote that stood out to me and he only had two pics, his profile and a pic of him in a military uniform.

I saw his location was in southern california and since I’m in northern california I was bummed thinking nothing will become of us but he continued to talk to me. I’m thinking to myself, okay there must be nobody in his area because I’m 8 hours away. After a couple of days he asked for my number and of course I say no just to see his reaction and he was okay with it and we continued the conversation. He just seem so cool about it and they fact that he continued to want to get to know me was enough for me to get his number to text him. From the day I gave him my number I felt even more confused about the way I feel to the point where I was so lost in my thoughts I’d almost forget I was in the shower, or even at work. I remember telling my girl how intense its getting and so quickly, I didnt understand the feelings I felt at all. I’ve never talked to someone who’ve I had strong feelings for like this, so I was feeling a little overwhelmed.

Then we skyped one night and I looked in his eyes and I felt this gravitational pull on my insides and my whole body so strong I had to pull away and I was afraid to give him eye contact the rest of the night. It was our chemistry. We made each other laugh and my attraction to him made my heart and my vagina thump but doubt kept coming through like a dark cloud raining on my whole damn life. Doubt is an amazing thing, or even lack of confidence. The fact that this guy, who is in the military with other females and stationed in sunny southern california where the girls are fine as hell, wants to talk to me and give me all his time, I can still search in the dark corners of my mind for the negative shit to bring me down and even mess up a possibility of a relationship with this amazing man. I’ve only talked to this man for a month and the words he says to me are everything I’ve wanted to hear and he backs it up with humility, which is a rare quality.

One night we were on skype and we had this real dramatic and overly romantic almost movie like conversation which resulted us in ending with I love you. I never loved anyone in the beginning of a relationship, ever. I always grown to love and for that it never really worked out. So when it came down to it, I felt the emotion burning inside my chest but I couldn’t say it at first. I wanted to say it the first week I talked to him over the phone. He said it first and explained why he loved me which made me collapse on my bed 10 million times. I never knew that love can love can literally make you weak. My heart melted as he told me he knew when he seen my eyes and being able to tell him I felt the same was the most amazing feeling I’ve had in a while. I felt as if the way I felt from that day wasn’t fake or ridiculous, that corny ass love at first sight was real for me even over the internet. I wanted to say I love you but I couldn’t, I could say that I liked him with ease or I’m into him but the word love was a hard thing to crack. The reassuring thing was that he understood. He understood why I was stuck and he assured me that he would do anything it takes to prove to me that I could trust him and that he wouldn’t hurt me and I believed him. His tone was eager yet warm and it made me cry. After all this time I finally got to experience what love should be. I’ve never even witnessed dedication from a man, someone who is willing to do what it takes to have me. Once the tears ran out I told him I loved him and the weight and confusion lifted off of my body and soul. Hearing him say I love you sends shockwaves of pleasure through my body; seeing his smile makes my body melt to the ground. I told him how amazing he is and he even turned that down. His humility is rare, I see him being an amazing father. He’s ready to get married and have kids, but I’m no dummy. He is not my boyfriend until I meet him which will be on the 3rd of next month. I want to be able to feel him and really see him in front of me because I’m all about body language and vibes but he’s definitely the guy I’d want to be with in the future.

-(I’ve been MIA trying to figure out the direction of this blog and I realized I’m way more comfortable writing about my journey to find love, although this is a blog where i’ll write or post whatever I want; I’m sticking to what I’m most compelled by)

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poems, poetry

Rose colored glasses

 

Separate her body from reality 

In this dimly lit room
She’ll drink your wine 
And let her mind die
While her heart swells inside
You could do no harm 
Through these rose colored glasses 
Your warm hues intice her like pheromones 
You’re magic through smoke screens
surreal like a dream 
A mere pixilation of the perfect fantasy 
She said you could do no harm 
Like a mantra in her head 
You could do no harm 
You could do no har
You could do no ha
You could do no h
You could do no
You could do n 
You could do…
5 years it took 
Enough to shatter them rose colored glasses 
will take a life time to fix
Like a 50 year old fiend
Weakened by the memory of…
 
JADE. 
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love, love diary

Avoiding the Dogs

“Get your lil sexy ass up girl. I’ll make it worth it, trust me…” His voice echoed in my mind when I read his text, wonder what the fuck he thinks this is. Who the fuck he thinks I am. He’s a stranger to me, someone who although I’ve been texting for the past couple weeks, I’ve yet gotten to know who he truly is. Meet Jay, 27, found him on tinder (which he actually deleted) and when I first seen his picture and description I was immediately interested. 6’0, half and half, he’s got that rugged light skin minus the pretty boy look, which I love. Oh and he sells vacuums, which I find a little suspect but not gonna be judgmental. Originally from Boston which was a plus for me because I love them dominant. He moved to Sacramento reasons I have no idea of other than his friends live out here. He has no family out here. Besides of the little things I know about him, he raised a huge red flag for me today.

While I was laying down he invited me to meet him at the park that happened to be down the street from me. I was lazy this morning and decided to turn him down on the idea and mentioned that I just want to lay in my bed and masturbate. In good ole’ Jade fashion, I didn’t even realize how I turned the conversation into something sexual. In no time he decided to invite me to his work van, where we would have sex. He was very up front about what he wanted. That turned me all the way off.

“I got a van I can pick U up in and we can have a lil bit of fun lol.”
“You’d love that. My work van lol sounds creepy I know lmfao.”
“But since we don’t have place to kick it.”

Automatically, things got awkward. He then invited me to his place which is 30 mins away from where we were both at. I realized that this guy was adamant on seeing me after my ignorant statement. I was really into this guy and was disappointed that he was ruining everything text after text. I tried to save him by letting him know how I wanted us to work. I tried to explain how I don’t have sex with strangers and “I’d rather get to know you by going out on dates first.” He acknowledged it, but he was persistent. It angered me especially since I let it go on for hours, trying to string him along but at the end of the day a dog is going to be a dog. Time passed and my assumption is that he got tired and stopped texting me.

I’m so glad that I’m satisfied with that. There was a time that I wasn’t. I’m now at a place where I’m understanding but not willing to give any chances.

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love poetry, poetry

Changes Remain

Time flies and as you experienced every emotion imaginable, he’s engraved in your head

everyday of the week
every scenario
you could see him looking deep into you when you close your eyes and it almost makes you feel half crazy half disappointed because you know
everyone knows you could do better
You force fed the thought that it will never work between you and him
and in time the feelings became diluted to the point where you could look him dead in his eyes and not even feel a flutter deep in your gut as you used to
yet you still think of him
any day of the week
night or day
with no feelings attached, its like he’s here to stay
bitter,
indignant,
upset,
sorrowful,
lighthearted,
tranquil,
passionate,
and more of which as it seems he’d be there to stay
yet still at the end of it all
it’s not your turn to take the fall so remain where you’re at
mindful of what remains never be willing to make the change
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Uncategorized

And Just As the Seasons Changed…

My feelings for this guy are non existent
As simple as the flowers began to bloom on the trees
I’m beginning to allow the love for myself to bloom once again
And I can look and smile at him with no restriction in my chest
I can to talk to him like I talk to everyone else
I’m free to the hopes of someone else
Instead of being confined in a prison that I made personally for myself
The torture I felt just the other day

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musings, poetry, Vent

Vent 001

I wish I never knew him.

Clouding my vision
Wondering if Ill ever reach clarity
From these feelings I loathe inside of me
Some days are easier than others
Fridays are the hardest
Impatiently waiting for someone to steal his spot
Someone who looks better and treats me right
As if I hate him for existing
I hate me for allowing him to exist
Unsure of what has taken over me
When I see her pretty little face down the hallway
I give her a deep stare knowing what she’s done
Jealousy bubbles up inside me
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being in love, fatal attraction, love, love diary, relationships

Theres a Thin Line Between Love and Fatal Attraction

I think too much. I feel too much. So does he, this guy I work with. But something is off about him and his lack of ability to control his thoughts and moods. When I decided to turn to him to talk, it sparked this topic that I realized that he is very passionate about, music. I felt my heart beat faster as we found even more that we have in common. Cool, I thought to myself, he’s definitely my type, I liked him again. Right when I come to terms with liking LB I think of the past and his inability to control his thoughts, his emotions and then I trailed off to my ex Larry.

Larry wasn’t capable of love. He wasn’t able to control his thoughts and emotions. Although Larry was passionate, something that I was very attracted to, his passion turned into a monster. I spent a year with Larry dealing with his bullshit, abusing me mentally and physically. It was light at first, he was my best friend. I was always around his family, I loved them too. We would play fight in his mother’s living room all the time and one day it turned sour. I was on the floor fighting to breathe in the strength of his hands gripping my neck. I was limp trying to tell him to stop, trying to tell him I can’t breathe. Right then and there I thought it was over, the moment I let go and my eyes hung shut, he let go. It didn’t stop me from loving him because 19 year old me thought it was a mistake.  Things turned more sour when he decided to break up with me every weekend just to watch my heart break for no reason. His thrill was to hurt me, his insecurities made him jealous, made him delusional. He always thought I was talking to another guy, and would hide behind the computer to start facebook fights with every guy friend I had. While we were broken up he cheated on me on the weekends while I cried in my friend’s arms. I loved him and he was fatally attracted to me and like every fatal attraction relationship it ended horribly. I had an abortion and decided to move across the country, to get far away from him. Now do I know that LB is like Larry? Hell no, who am I to judge, but I feel what I feel and something doesn’t feel right, sometimes.

I can tell you, whoever you are, that I don’t like LB, that he’s too much; he’s disrespectful, he points out every single flaw that I carry with me, he’s too passionate, jealous, and insecure but because both LB and I know what’s real, liking him will never change. Sometimes the feeling is gone, but they’ll come back like a flood breaking down a concrete wall. There’s nothing I want more than to see what it’s like. What he’s really like, without the audience. I can tell myself that I will not date him, not if I can help it but I want to. I’m in love with fatal attraction. I’m attracted to obsession, as crazy as that sounds. Not saying that I want to be crazy in love, I want to be crazy in love in the most diluted way possible. There’s a really thin line for me.
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