being in love, black girl blogger, black girls who blog, black love, blog post, dating and relationships, falling in love, finding love blog, love, love blog, new blog post, relationships

The Boyfriend Trial Run (Late Post)

So I met him (lets officially call him Jr) after a month of skyping, texting and talking over the phone. He drove 8 hours to see me and we stayed at a cheap inn down the street from the university in my city. I had to contemplate, whether or not I would stay with a stranger, although I love him nevertheless thats what he is. I met him at Walmart since the lady at the hotel told them (him and his military roommates) they cant get their room 2 in the morning which is ridiculous…driving to meet him 2 in the morning was the scariest thing I probably ever done. I was nervous to the point of no control.

From the moment he knocked on my window I got out of my car to look in his eyes, he reached out and said come here in his warm familiar deep voice. I wrapped my arms around him and shut my eyes tight, clenching my jaw fighting back tears. Moments passed and I felt weak to my knees so I sat back down in my car and he hopped in on the other side. We stared at each other for a moment and his intensity made me pull away. The intensity and fire in his eyes were always evident to me once we starting video chatting. When we had nothing to say we would look at each other and I’d always have to look away because the emotions I felt when I looked at him took over my whole body. Nobody has made me feel like that before. We kissed and fell asleep for a couple hours and I finally talked him into going back to the hotel to see if the rude lady will let them take their rooms.

His roomies went up to their room and I followed my man to ours. We stepped in the room which smelled of cigarette smoke. Too tired to complain, I dropped my things on the table and walked over to the king size bed with him. We pulled back off the first layer of bedding and snuggled under the fleece blanket. I could see a piece of the sky getting lighter through the window curtains and checked the time realizing it was almost 5 am. I looked at him and he gave me the warmest eyes that could’ve lit my body on fire. He grabbed my body up against his and we kissed one passionate kiss which of course led to us making love. It wasn’t a quickie either, we made love until the sun bursted through the thick curtains and lit up our bodies. His yellow skin against my chocolate complexion glowed from the outside in by the sun; it was magical, I was in a dream state. We talked some more and knocked out til about 2 in the afternoon. We decided to head out for some food and enjoy each others company. I realized I’m not too good with couple outings and his slightest action of affection made me uncomfortable. I know he noticed my reaction to his hand rubbing my lower back and he distanced his body just a tad. Which I knew then that that would be an issue we’d face. The next night was when the issue surfaced and the warmth and light that remained in my soul from our unity dimmed.

He told me he wasnt sure about us anymore that when we went out for the day and he would talk to me I would respond in a rude matter or I would act like he’s irritating me. I know I’m not the friendliest person, I’ve done great by putting up walls and not being open and warm. I’m real about that shit; I’m one scared ass bitch when it comes to social situations and relationships. But there he was giving me honesty in Buca De Peppo when we finished our meal. Seeing him this cold on me made me feel like it was over.  I choked on my heart and had to rush to the bathroom to keep myself from bawling out tears. To compose my emotions I stared at myself in the mirror and didnt see pretty, I thought to myself that maybe just maybe he got what he wanted and his views of me that were once of beauty changed. I walked back to the table paid the check and made our way back to the hotel. On the freeway I was struggling to fight more tears and I lost that battle venting to him. In this moment I realized that what he addressed to me back at the restaurant, I’ve dealt with this before. That it’s always my fault for a relationship not working out. Which leaves me in the crazy downward spiral trying to “fix” myself so that it’ll be better. As if the way I am isn’t good enough.

I could tell he’s already not satisfied with my body shape and the fact that I wear wigs or that I say “what?” every time he looks at me without saying anything. He tried to say I’m rude, that the girls in Georgia are friendlier than people from Cali. “Maybe you should get a southern girl to be with then.” I could tell he hated those words coming out my mouth…I really want to stand firm so he doesn’t think that I’m just going to beat myself over it, although it hurts beyond emotionally. It’s so crazy that the little things that I’ve noticed about what he does, I saved them for myself because I believe that nothing is going to be perfect and that I’d rather make the positives stronger than give the little negatives any power. Once we got to the hotel we talked some more, then I realized that he’s a pretty calculated individual who is quick to call someone out on little things but will turn around and be a hypocrite. My heart eased out of my throat and now its just resting. I love him but I don’t know if the intensity that I once loved about him is the same intensity that I got to experience now. Granted he has traits that I love, and his commitment to me is real, I just want to know what else there is so I can truly love every aspect of him good or bad. I never had anyone make me so overly emotional, I mean this man made me cry happy and sad tears, I cried multiple times realizing that out mini vacation was almost over, I love him but the feeling is gone. The lust/crush feeling is gone and I want to see if we will remain strong with our distance past the first phase. Can we stay in love?

being in love, fatal attraction, love, love diary, relationships

Theres a Thin Line Between Love and Fatal Attraction

I think too much. I feel too much. So does he, this guy I work with. But something is off about him and his lack of ability to control his thoughts and moods. When I decided to turn to him to talk, it sparked this topic that I realized that he is very passionate about, music. I felt my heart beat faster as we found even more that we have in common. Cool, I thought to myself, he’s definitely my type, I liked him again. Right when I come to terms with liking LB I think of the past and his inability to control his thoughts, his emotions and then I trailed off to my ex Larry.

Larry wasn’t capable of love. He wasn’t able to control his thoughts and emotions. Although Larry was passionate, something that I was very attracted to, his passion turned into a monster. I spent a year with Larry dealing with his bullshit, abusing me mentally and physically. It was light at first, he was my best friend. I was always around his family, I loved them too. We would play fight in his mother’s living room all the time and one day it turned sour. I was on the floor fighting to breathe in the strength of his hands gripping my neck. I was limp trying to tell him to stop, trying to tell him I can’t breathe. Right then and there I thought it was over, the moment I let go and my eyes hung shut, he let go. It didn’t stop me from loving him because 19 year old me thought it was a mistake.  Things turned more sour when he decided to break up with me every weekend just to watch my heart break for no reason. His thrill was to hurt me, his insecurities made him jealous, made him delusional. He always thought I was talking to another guy, and would hide behind the computer to start facebook fights with every guy friend I had. While we were broken up he cheated on me on the weekends while I cried in my friend’s arms. I loved him and he was fatally attracted to me and like every fatal attraction relationship it ended horribly. I had an abortion and decided to move across the country, to get far away from him. Now do I know that LB is like Larry? Hell no, who am I to judge, but I feel what I feel and something doesn’t feel right, sometimes.

I can tell you, whoever you are, that I don’t like LB, that he’s too much; he’s disrespectful, he points out every single flaw that I carry with me, he’s too passionate, jealous, and insecure but because both LB and I know what’s real, liking him will never change. Sometimes the feeling is gone, but they’ll come back like a flood breaking down a concrete wall. There’s nothing I want more than to see what it’s like. What he’s really like, without the audience. I can tell myself that I will not date him, not if I can help it but I want to. I’m in love with fatal attraction. I’m attracted to obsession, as crazy as that sounds. Not saying that I want to be crazy in love, I want to be crazy in love in the most diluted way possible. There’s a really thin line for me.
attraction, being single, Brain On Relationships, dating, finding love, growth, happiness, love, online dating, personal, relationships, thoughts

Mr. Washington

There’s a pattern in my life with men; once there’s a new guy in the picture the last one is dead. No disrespect though, I’m just monogamous by nature. So new guy in the picture is Denzel, at first, I didn’t believe it but yes his name is Denzel and he is a panty dropper! Just imagine a 6″1 quarterback build football player with locs to his shoulders, full pink lips and smooth deep brown skin. He’s the ultimate sports and fitness man; he’s actually going to help me reach my fitness goals this fall. I haven’t met him yet but I’ve been talking to him every day, anticipating for him to turn me off but I must say I’m pretty impressed with myself for snagging such a catch on the infamous Plenty of Fish dating site. He’s surprisingly really sweet and texts me good morning every morning, and his words are always heart warming. Sometimes I feel it’s a little too nice, for instance he’ll say “sorry, I call you back yesterday, I was busy” and I eventually had to tell him that he doesn’t have to apologize every time he doesn’t get back to me, “I know you’ll make time for me when you have the opportunity”. He understood but I then realized that that could actually be his nature to apologize for doing something he said he would do. Then my insides fluttered uncontrollably…

Hearing him say those words to describe me so positively almost feels foreign to me, sometimes I giggle and my eyebrows furrow not knowing what to say. I’m just not used to that type of affection but he’s a Denzel for sure, a real catch…so far. I hate to be pessimistic but I’m expecting him to be something that I’ll one day despise. I expect him to grow tired, or used to and show his true character. Maybe he’s going to be clingy, maybe he gets jealous easily, maybe he’s a sweet talker and does the same to a bunch of other women; the possibilities go on forever in my head. But the main one that sticks out is the fact that he could be gay (or just bi). I hate myself for conjuring up such a thing in my mind as if only the respectable, sweet men of the world just so happen to be gay. From my personal experiences, I’ve dated a man who was gay (but not out the closet) and he was the most respectful guy I’ve ever dated. All in all, I don’t have high hopes for anyone I’m interested in. My expectations shrunk so small for men when they screw up or disappoint, I feel no sense of loss and I’m not afraid of love, there’s just no sense to love because I feel like that part of me is on hold. But if there is a possibility him and I get serious I have a plan that I’m going to stick with, and it’s very simple

         Don’t have sex with him for 90 days

I know it’ll be difficult but if I want to ensure my time won’t be wasted, I have to follow through as long with my rule that I broke a while back and that is to never go to a guys house especially at
night. I will not break these two rules. Another set of rules that I’ve added t(thanks to this book I read called Fly Betty by Treasure Blue) is the following…

“1. Never love a man who doesn’t love you back

2. Never give a man who won’t give back

3. Never try to keep a man who doesn’t want to stay

4. Never cry over a man who wont cry over you

5. Every man got to know from the very beginning if they should ever disrespect or violate you for any reason they must know you would not hesitate to leave without looking back”

Whatever the outcome, I’m going to enjoy the now because it’s too sweet to rush into things. Right now, it feels good to be respected and adored truly.

– I think he might be the one who brings me flowers…

I will be starting a series of book reviews based on love starting in September! Nothing is better than a book that inspires!

Brain On Relationships, friendship, inspiration, life, love, people, personal, relationships

The Danger in Sleeping With a Friend

There’s truth to this
unwritten rulethat I didn’t follow in Spring of 2011.

When I was in school I met this guy coincidentally at the school’s cafe one day with my friend Bri. All the tables were taken and we saw two chairs open next to these two guys playing cards. Once I asked them if the seats were taken, one of the guys looked up at us with a stank face and his friend smiled and said that we can sit down. So we sat down unfazed by the guy’s attitude and we ate our lunch, having small talk and out of nowhere the nice guy puts a deck of cards in our face and said pick a card. So we chose one card and put it back in the deck and with all the fancy card trickery he got the right card. Bri and I were impressed but we really were focused on other things and he noticed, so he didn’t give up. For the next 15 minuets, he showed us all these other tricks with coins, and other little objects; he really put on a magical show. His nickname was Surprize. I knew what he was up to but I liked that he did magic tricks to break the ice, and he seemed like a nice guy. My friend was very interested in getting to know him, so she got his number and they talked for about a month. Then one day I started talking to him and til this day I don’t know how. I was still in love with my ex Leon but it was nice to have so much in common with someone although it was evident to me that I had no feelings for him.

We started hanging out at his place in the day time watching movies and eating his mom’s left over spaghetti. We started talking about sex and I told him about how inexperienced I was being that Leon was my first. He figured he could show me how to perform oral by sucking his dick and little naive me I did it for about a week. After he would ask me and I would say no being really upset that he mind fucked me into that, but I forgave him. When we kissed for the first time I was so disgusted, it was too much saliva and he simply just didn’t know how to kiss. I continued to kiss him anyway regardless of how I felt and one day we had sex. It didn’t last long the first time because I end up being on my period and the second time as well because he hid me in his closet when his brother came home unannounced.Everything about being sexual with him was such a turn off. In the time I got over Leon, I never touched Surprize again. I could never understand why I could never like him because he was a great guy and he was always in my corner. But when I would come over to watch tv he wanted to make out and I just couldn’t do it.

Soon enough I made sure I was never alone with him. He didn’t understand why I never came over and I remember telling that I just wanted to be friends, strictly. I told him how I don’t date shorter guys because I’m really insecure about my height basically making excuses unsure of what to say. I never really took in account of his feelings because I thought that since he was a guy he can move on to someone else. I dated other guys knowing that he had feelings for me and hoping that he would get over it. He watched me get hurt over and over again with these guys I chose and I always thought that since he was just a friend that he would always be there for me no matter what. I was so wrong.

When I went away for two years I distanced myself from the people I knew back home.

Flash forward today, I’ve been back for almost a year and I really had to face somethings and make wise decisions especially in regards to the people I hang out with (I was a bad girl). I only have one friend now, a girl that I known since 7th grade. I really thought Surprize and I would be friends as well. For the past couple months, having a conversation with him was like talking to a brick wall. It was so irritating I asked him why he couldn’t open up to me. It was hard for him to confess but with diligence I got him to. He was hurt. He expressed how he didn’t understand why I didn’t tell him I was here (it took me a while to really tell anybody that I was back, only a handful of people really know til this day). I tried to get him to understand my place when it comes to only focusing on myself and he just couldn’t see that, as if I owe him for the drama I dealt with. Then it all came full circle.

He confessed that he lost his virginity to me. My jaw dropped, laughing at the weird turn the conversation went. I honestly had no idea that it was that deep, because every one knew he liked me, even my mother but I had no idea it was love and it really brought a sense of closure to the whole situation and I thought that our friendship could grow because of it, wrong! I’ve had to hang up on him on several conversations because I really learned not to take shit from people. The other day everything was okay; still kind of weird but doable.We were talking about a particular topic and he said me and my girlfriend…I was livid.

Come to find out it was this same girl he claim he was dating for 3 years, the same girl I’ve never seen in person, the same girl I asked about last year then for him to tell me they weren’t together and the same girl he never brings up. I tried to explain to him how he acts like he’s single, he then implied that I need to stop thinking I flirt with him. Honestly what does that have to do with me? I wanted him to understand that it is not about what you do, it’s about what you don’t do which is that you never talk about her. Instead of owning up to his actions, he went into detail about how he’s not like other people, especially me, when people are in a bad relationship all they do is talk about negative stuff. I wasn’t having it, I cut him off saying if he was going to make it about what I did, I will hang up on him. Every time when it is about him he starts to point out my faults, and the sad part is that he is a smart guy. He knows that I’m trying to move forward and better myself but I came to realize he’s now toxic and I can’t be friends with him anymore. Now he’s just another person on the list of many that I can’t talk to now that I back. The
unwritten ruleand the moral of this story is don’t sleep with your friend because the outcome may be that only one of you will fall in love. Now every time I think of him, I think about what happened and how I wish it could have been different.