Theres a Thin Line Between Love and Fatal Attraction

I think too much. I feel too much. So does he, this guy I work with. But something is off about him and his lack of ability to control his thoughts and moods. When I decided to turn to him to talk, it sparked this topic that I realized that he is very passionate about, music. I felt my heart beat faster as we found even more that we have in common. Cool, I thought to myself, he’s definitely my type, I liked him again. Right when I come to terms with liking LB I think of the past and his inability to control his thoughts, his emotions and then I trailed off to my ex Larry.

Larry wasn’t capable of love. He wasn’t able to control his thoughts and emotions. Although Larry was passionate, something that I was very attracted to, his passion turned into a monster. I spent a year with Larry dealing with his bullshit, abusing me mentally and physically. It was light at first, he was my best friend. I was always around his family, I loved them too. We would play fight in his mother’s living room all the time and one day it turned sour. I was on the floor fighting to breathe in the strength of his hands gripping my neck. I was limp trying to tell him to stop, trying to tell him I can’t breathe. Right then and there I thought it was over, the moment I let go and my eyes hung shut, he let go. It didn’t stop me from loving him because 19 year old me thought it was a mistake.  Things turned more sour when he decided to break up with me every weekend just to watch my heart break for no reason. His thrill was to hurt me, his insecurities made him jealous, made him delusional. He always thought I was talking to another guy, and would hide behind the computer to start facebook fights with every guy friend I had. While we were broken up he cheated on me on the weekends while I cried in my friend’s arms. I loved him and he was fatally attracted to me and like every fatal attraction relationship it ended horribly. I had an abortion and decided to move across the country, to get far away from him. Now do I know that LB is like Larry? Hell no, who am I to judge, but I feel what I feel and something doesn’t feel right, sometimes.

I can tell you, whoever you are, that I don’t like LB, that he’s too much; he’s disrespectful, he points out every single flaw that I carry with me, he’s too passionate, jealous, and insecure but because both LB and I know what’s real, liking him will never change. Sometimes the feeling is gone, but they’ll come back like a flood breaking down a concrete wall. There’s nothing I want more than to see what it’s like. What he’s really like, without the audience. I can tell myself that I will not date him, not if I can help it but I want to. I’m in love with fatal attraction. I’m attracted to obsession, as crazy as that sounds. Not saying that I want to be crazy in love, I want to be crazy in love in the most diluted way possible. There’s a really thin line for me.

Paths Crossed

I like him. There’s this magnetic pull on me for him. It’s killing me. It’s been three long months at this job where I answer incoming phone calls from the inquiring minds of the working class regarding their health and life insurances. It’s a job, underpaid, and an unsettling work environment but I’ve learned to adjust to make myself sane, key word sane.

I remember seeing him for the first time; lets call him LB. It was the first day of training and they broke us off into groups to direct us go into empty rooms, for organizational purposes. I stood across from him and I didn’t notice him until I saw him tugging on his clothes, looking down at his shoes every 5 seconds. I tilted my head in observation, analyzing his movements and the moment I looked away I caught him look at me. I didn’t think anything of it as they separated him and I to different team supervisors. For a couple days I didn’t see his face, nor did I really care, I was nervous about this new job. A few days of training passed and I had to move to a different group for whatever reason, I have no clue of til this day. I was going to be in a group with fidgety boy, LB. I didn’t even know he was in my group til I walked to the corner desk, which would be my new seat; he was standing in front of this girl having small talk. I said good morning politely and looked into his eyes, I wanted to be genuinely nice to my new coworkers. He perked up and said good morning and said our how are yous before I sat down.  I got my desk ready and signed into my programs and made sure I was prepared for a long day of lecturing and fighting to stay awake. My new supervisor was not the nicest as she looked at me with eyes hatred, and my vibes from her was very nasty. I knew I couldn’t confide in her; whatever her complexes may be. She end up moving him away from me which was fine, but I was stuck on him, I really didn’t know what it was but I found myself looking at him with concern, trying to adjust to the feelings I felt, trying to make sense of them. Then it was evident on my half hour break that same day. I was walking down the hall looking down at my phone and LB and I bumped into each other, head first, reaction soon after. Then out of nowhere he slid close in front of me. I looked at his chest rise and fall and looked up at his mouth and once I felt his breath I snapped out of reality, left out a huge goof ball chuckle and blurted out excuse me. I walked fast down the hall way to get to the break room stunned trying to figure out what happened down the hall way a couple of mins ago. I kept replaying the events in my head, trying to figure out how that happened. That’s when I felt my heartbeat pacing fast as I walked all the way back to my seat before lunch was over. From that point on I knew there were feelings there, but there was my religion. I didn’t believe in work relationships and I just felt like he was choosing, so I made a decision to lay low, honestly I was afraid of the strong feelings stirring up in me. So for a week we looked at each other flirtatiously. We would lock eyes and smile amidst the chaos around us, and I’d catch him stare at me from time to time, I felt so high, I felt so high school. I knew everybody knew. I knew everybody felt it, I felt as if our tension was radiating in the room.
Then there were times where I felt so low, as I watch the women around him, jealousy brewed as soon as I stepped in his peripheral view. I watch people judge me any moment they could, talk about me, patronize, and criticize me, and all for nothing that mattered, unless LB mattered to them. I immediately felt uncomfortable; I didn’t even get a chance to get comfortable in this new group. I felt closed in, but I didn’t let it get the best of me. I could see the need for a man’s attention from the women whether it may be platonic in my group. There isn’t plenty man to go around. I watch friendships form and I was still stuck in the corner, I felt that those who spoke about me tried to talk to me once my supervisor did another seating arrangement and I felt uninterested, even with LB. I took pride in focusing on staying awake, and paying attention to our training. Still being patronized, talked about, criticized, amazingly enough, I was able to withstand it, of course through the grace of God. My supervisor, someone who I should confide in watched me devilishly as hate spread across the group for me. I took it, passive aggressively but the person I expected least to get sucked in the hate was LB.
I watch these girls grab his attention, plotting and scheming, making me look bad, pointing out my flaws in front of him but he always smiled at me; he always perked up when I’d turn to acknowledge him. I was flattered and as our relationship slowly peaked at the horizon on the day before the last day of training, and on the very last day, everything crashed because of this girl. This real hood girl, she reminds me of a gross sister from proud family, lets call her DQ. Mean spirited, she seen what was going on between LB and I, and she decided to do anything in her power to ruin it. She was successful, because on the last day of training he joined in with the trend and from that day forward I made a conscious decision to forget about whatever we could have had between us. The hate engulfed him, and I realized he wasn’t as conscious as he made himself appear to be. Being a sapiosexual he was no longer attractive to me.
 He continued his constant hate because he knew that that would be the only way to get my attention. For the remainder of the time I’ve been working there, I remained passive aggressive. I’ve had to take up seeing a therapist, have a daily breathing ritual, and even remove myself from the area. All because of this man, LB, because it’s his fucking world at my job. The women want to be around him, the guys want to be cool with him, or maybe even be like him. The women attempt to make me jealous. They wish they could get a guy to give them the attention like he gave me. It’s sad because I know the words that they put out into the universe are only a reflection of themselves.
So after all the crap he put me through, you’re probably wondering why I would even like him. I can’t even explain why I even liked him the day I said good morning, I just did. Sometimes I wonder if it could be fate. I bumped into him 5 times and I’ve never bumped into anyone like I have with him. We have too much in common, it pisses me off and often times it’s disappointing, because things could’ve panned out differently, I could have dated him. The moral of the story is, just because the feeling is still there doesn’t mean that we’re going to be together, not if I can help it. I’m teaching my mind to aid my heart’s wants. This too shall pass…


Escaping the Friend Zone, Is There Even One?

How does a girl escape the friend zone? I’ve been trying to refrain myself from google’ing everything that has to deal with relationships and instead going back to the best source, my common sense. But still I’m left with that question floating in my mind. Another day has passed with regret that D might have some sort of pull on me. I analyzed it all. He can really get me to do anything he wants, all he has to do is be kind to me, even when I give him a reason not to be.
He’s done it before. I’d get mad because he wouldn’t call or text, then when I confront him, he’ll apologize and say he needs to work on it; that I don’t deserve it. Then all the malicious thoughts I seemed to conjure up disappear as the rush of warm feelings came flowing right back. Sometimes I feel like the rush is love but I always deny that sentiment. He’s a different breed of men I’ve never dated.
We’ve been hooking up on multiple occasions and I don’t know how to turn the off switch. He’s so sweet and affectionate; everything that I really missed out on in the past, but I wonder if I’m confusing affection with actual interest and love. I never really believed that someone would pull that good of a poker face until D. For someone who doesn’t mind expressing his interest in me in public but at the same time doesn’t want to be transparent on how he feels about me is the most mind wrecking thing in my dating history. I’m able to look at someone’s eyes and tell but his eyes gives off a sincerity that I’m so in denial in I want to hand him an Emmy.
I wonder if he’s fucking insane, or just really ahead of the game.  That if I get a rise out of him that would make him human, or normal. Maybe I’m the insane one. I tend to live through my past relationships; assuming that he’ll use me because he’s gay and that he needs something to prove. Or in time he might hurt me physically, emotionally, or maybe he’s just another guy manipulating his way into my vagina, like it’s a game, one he enjoys playing just because.  It freaks me out to not know his weaknesses yet. That if we’re still going somewhere, wherever it is, I will sleep with one eye open because truth is I don’t trust men. I’m just not ready for them. So I’m hanging up the search for good to focus on myself, truly.
So how do you escape the friend zone? Truth is there is no answer, no zone, no series of articles or steps any website or friend can give me. It’s either you’re meant to be friends or not and only time will tell. I have let go of trying to control my love life and let everything fall and flow, as they will be. 

90 Days, too Soon

We had sex in the middle of the day after our bellies were full of Mexican food. As I laid on the couch covered in a blanket and him on the floor next to me, our eyes glued on the tv watching Sex in the City unable to move until we became aroused from our dirty thoughts. I felt him touch me so suddenly, strongly as if a magnetic force of attraction pulled him in close to me and as his pink lips touched mine, all beliefs dissolved instantly.

Feeling only 80% satisfied from the food and sex, I looked at him disappointed and explained to him how I wanted to wait. We’ve only been on 3 friendly outings the 3rd being the day that I broke my so called 90 day rule. It’s been so positive, light and interesting. Even though I’ve been talking to him since June, I wanted us to date for 90 days where we could get to know each other on a friendship level and not sexual but of course I screwed it up and I feel like our relationship is going to head towards friends with benefits. I’m starting to believe that maybe I should stick to the casual relationship and let go of the rules.

He looked me in my eyes and smiled trying to assure me that this wouldn’t change. I caught the eagerness, as if he wanted me to believe him so bad but I refused to lock my eyes with his and at that moment I realized that half of me was afraid, the other half was still horny. I shook my head unwilling to accept it at that moment; words hold no value to me. All I could utter to him was “we’ll see”. I almost felt broken like he already hurt me. Or am I hurting because I’m anticipating it too much? He hugged me and as I felt the jolt in his pants, we went at it again. A moment later he decided to go and the seductress in me came out persuading him to stay as I made him gaze at my body. He stopped, out of control of his hands he touched me and while I stared at him biting his lip, I made him cum one more time and sent him along his way knowing in the back of my head this is the last time in a very long time this will ever happen, I hope. It’s funny how there was a little voice in my head telling me he shouldn’t come over. When will I ever learn.

Mr. Washington

There’s a pattern in my life with men; once there’s a new guy in the picture the last one is dead. No disrespect though, I’m just monogamous by nature. So new guy in the picture is Denzel, at first, I didn’t believe it but yes his name is Denzel and he is a panty dropper! Just imagine a 6″1 quarterback build football player with locs to his shoulders, full pink lips and smooth deep brown skin. He’s the ultimate sports and fitness man; he’s actually going to help me reach my fitness goals this fall. I haven’t met him yet but I’ve been talking to him every day, anticipating for him to turn me off but I must say I’m pretty impressed with myself for snagging such a catch on the infamous Plenty of Fish dating site. He’s surprisingly really sweet and texts me good morning every morning, and his words are always heart warming. Sometimes I feel it’s a little too nice, for instance he’ll say “sorry, I call you back yesterday, I was busy” and I eventually had to tell him that he doesn’t have to apologize every time he doesn’t get back to me, “I know you’ll make time for me when you have the opportunity”. He understood but I then realized that that could actually be his nature to apologize for doing something he said he would do. Then my insides fluttered uncontrollably…

Hearing him say those words to describe me so positively almost feels foreign to me, sometimes I giggle and my eyebrows furrow not knowing what to say. I’m just not used to that type of affection but he’s a Denzel for sure, a real catch…so far. I hate to be pessimistic but I’m expecting him to be something that I’ll one day despise. I expect him to grow tired, or used to and show his true character. Maybe he’s going to be clingy, maybe he gets jealous easily, maybe he’s a sweet talker and does the same to a bunch of other women; the possibilities go on forever in my head. But the main one that sticks out is the fact that he could be gay (or just bi). I hate myself for conjuring up such a thing in my mind as if only the respectable, sweet men of the world just so happen to be gay. From my personal experiences, I’ve dated a man who was gay (but not out the closet) and he was the most respectful guy I’ve ever dated. All in all, I don’t have high hopes for anyone I’m interested in. My expectations shrunk so small for men when they screw up or disappoint, I feel no sense of loss and I’m not afraid of love, there’s just no sense to love because I feel like that part of me is on hold. But if there is a possibility him and I get serious I have a plan that I’m going to stick with, and it’s very simple

         Don’t have sex with him for 90 days

I know it’ll be difficult but if I want to ensure my time won’t be wasted, I have to follow through as long with my rule that I broke a while back and that is to never go to a guys house especially at
night. I will not break these two rules. Another set of rules that I’ve added t(thanks to this book I read called Fly Betty by Treasure Blue) is the following…

“1. Never love a man who doesn’t love you back

2. Never give a man who won’t give back

3. Never try to keep a man who doesn’t want to stay

4. Never cry over a man who wont cry over you

5. Every man got to know from the very beginning if they should ever disrespect or violate you for any reason they must know you would not hesitate to leave without looking back”

Whatever the outcome, I’m going to enjoy the now because it’s too sweet to rush into things. Right now, it feels good to be respected and adored truly.

– I think he might be the one who brings me flowers…

I will be starting a series of book reviews based on love starting in September! Nothing is better than a book that inspires!

The Danger in Sleeping With a Friend

There’s truth to this
unwritten rulethat I didn’t follow in Spring of 2011.

When I was in school I met this guy coincidentally at the school’s cafe one day with my friend Bri. All the tables were taken and we saw two chairs open next to these two guys playing cards. Once I asked them if the seats were taken, one of the guys looked up at us with a stank face and his friend smiled and said that we can sit down. So we sat down unfazed by the guy’s attitude and we ate our lunch, having small talk and out of nowhere the nice guy puts a deck of cards in our face and said pick a card. So we chose one card and put it back in the deck and with all the fancy card trickery he got the right card. Bri and I were impressed but we really were focused on other things and he noticed, so he didn’t give up. For the next 15 minuets, he showed us all these other tricks with coins, and other little objects; he really put on a magical show. His nickname was Surprize. I knew what he was up to but I liked that he did magic tricks to break the ice, and he seemed like a nice guy. My friend was very interested in getting to know him, so she got his number and they talked for about a month. Then one day I started talking to him and til this day I don’t know how. I was still in love with my ex Leon but it was nice to have so much in common with someone although it was evident to me that I had no feelings for him.

We started hanging out at his place in the day time watching movies and eating his mom’s left over spaghetti. We started talking about sex and I told him about how inexperienced I was being that Leon was my first. He figured he could show me how to perform oral by sucking his dick and little naive me I did it for about a week. After he would ask me and I would say no being really upset that he mind fucked me into that, but I forgave him. When we kissed for the first time I was so disgusted, it was too much saliva and he simply just didn’t know how to kiss. I continued to kiss him anyway regardless of how I felt and one day we had sex. It didn’t last long the first time because I end up being on my period and the second time as well because he hid me in his closet when his brother came home unannounced.Everything about being sexual with him was such a turn off. In the time I got over Leon, I never touched Surprize again. I could never understand why I could never like him because he was a great guy and he was always in my corner. But when I would come over to watch tv he wanted to make out and I just couldn’t do it.

Soon enough I made sure I was never alone with him. He didn’t understand why I never came over and I remember telling that I just wanted to be friends, strictly. I told him how I don’t date shorter guys because I’m really insecure about my height basically making excuses unsure of what to say. I never really took in account of his feelings because I thought that since he was a guy he can move on to someone else. I dated other guys knowing that he had feelings for me and hoping that he would get over it. He watched me get hurt over and over again with these guys I chose and I always thought that since he was just a friend that he would always be there for me no matter what. I was so wrong.

When I went away for two years I distanced myself from the people I knew back home.

Flash forward today, I’ve been back for almost a year and I really had to face somethings and make wise decisions especially in regards to the people I hang out with (I was a bad girl). I only have one friend now, a girl that I known since 7th grade. I really thought Surprize and I would be friends as well. For the past couple months, having a conversation with him was like talking to a brick wall. It was so irritating I asked him why he couldn’t open up to me. It was hard for him to confess but with diligence I got him to. He was hurt. He expressed how he didn’t understand why I didn’t tell him I was here (it took me a while to really tell anybody that I was back, only a handful of people really know til this day). I tried to get him to understand my place when it comes to only focusing on myself and he just couldn’t see that, as if I owe him for the drama I dealt with. Then it all came full circle.

He confessed that he lost his virginity to me. My jaw dropped, laughing at the weird turn the conversation went. I honestly had no idea that it was that deep, because every one knew he liked me, even my mother but I had no idea it was love and it really brought a sense of closure to the whole situation and I thought that our friendship could grow because of it, wrong! I’ve had to hang up on him on several conversations because I really learned not to take shit from people. The other day everything was okay; still kind of weird but doable.We were talking about a particular topic and he said me and my girlfriend…I was livid.

Come to find out it was this same girl he claim he was dating for 3 years, the same girl I’ve never seen in person, the same girl I asked about last year then for him to tell me they weren’t together and the same girl he never brings up. I tried to explain to him how he acts like he’s single, he then implied that I need to stop thinking I flirt with him. Honestly what does that have to do with me? I wanted him to understand that it is not about what you do, it’s about what you don’t do which is that you never talk about her. Instead of owning up to his actions, he went into detail about how he’s not like other people, especially me, when people are in a bad relationship all they do is talk about negative stuff. I wasn’t having it, I cut him off saying if he was going to make it about what I did, I will hang up on him. Every time when it is about him he starts to point out my faults, and the sad part is that he is a smart guy. He knows that I’m trying to move forward and better myself but I came to realize he’s now toxic and I can’t be friends with him anymore. Now he’s just another person on the list of many that I can’t talk to now that I back. The
unwritten ruleand the moral of this story is don’t sleep with your friend because the outcome may be that only one of you will fall in love. Now every time I think of him, I think about what happened and how I wish it could have been different.

Dating Outside the Box

My mom had a serious convo with me the other day. She said I should start dating outside my race. She doesn’t believe that the next black guy I date is going to treat me right. I don’t blame her, all my relationships ended because of abuse, neglect, cheating or all three. My only good relationship was with a preachers son who is a closeted gay because he treated me with respect but we didn’t have sex soo..

I told her I’m not closed to dating outside my race. I’ve dated a white guy. But I just don’t know about white guys, they can be really uncomfortable to me…

This white guy I dated for 2 weeks was this 27 year old dj from manhattan who “never dated a white girl in his life” I just couldn’t, it rubbed me the wrong way for some reason. Everything about him screamed I have a fetish. He was so pushy about hooking up and I didn’t want to have sex with him and then he proceeded to tell me that he’d find another black girl in Brooklyn anyway. I was just glad I didn’t fuck him, his spirit was just nasty.

This whole dating thing has been messing me up. Wondering if I should try something else…I’m attracted to all races, so why do I only date black guys? Im really hanging on for black love and I told her that I want to have black kids and I don’t believe finding happiness with a guy resorts to dating outside my race but she really does and that bothers me.

But I’m going to try to be more open minded because at the end of the day I’ll be dating someone that treats me right. if he’s Asian cool (she really wants me to date an Asian). If he’s black I did it! But that white guy kinda messed it up for me so idk bout that lol.