It’s Complicated

I don’t have the words to explain this

for once in my life I can actually say it’s complicated.

im a fucking estranged wife and single mother and I didn’t think my life would come to this.

But here it is, guess I have something to write about now… well I did but I put that on the back burner for some time now. Abuse will do that to you. Pain will put you through a creative paralysis.

It started when I found out I was pregnant. What was an ill fate turned to a blessing, my whole life has changed for the better. It didn’t happen overnight though.

So I’m bringing my first love, writing, back to life. I hope you enjoy it.


Mr. Washington

There’s a pattern in my life with men; once there’s a new guy in the picture the last one is dead. No disrespect though, I’m just monogamous by nature. So new guy in the picture is Denzel, at first, I didn’t believe it but yes his name is Denzel and he is a panty dropper! Just imagine a 6″1 quarterback build football player with locs to his shoulders, full pink lips and smooth deep brown skin. He’s the ultimate sports and fitness man; he’s actually going to help me reach my fitness goals this fall. I haven’t met him yet but I’ve been talking to him every day, anticipating for him to turn me off but I must say I’m pretty impressed with myself for snagging such a catch on the infamous Plenty of Fish dating site. He’s surprisingly really sweet and texts me good morning every morning, and his words are always heart warming. Sometimes I feel it’s a little too nice, for instance he’ll say “sorry, I call you back yesterday, I was busy” and I eventually had to tell him that he doesn’t have to apologize every time he doesn’t get back to me, “I know you’ll make time for me when you have the opportunity”. He understood but I then realized that that could actually be his nature to apologize for doing something he said he would do. Then my insides fluttered uncontrollably…

Hearing him say those words to describe me so positively almost feels foreign to me, sometimes I giggle and my eyebrows furrow not knowing what to say. I’m just not used to that type of affection but he’s a Denzel for sure, a real catch…so far. I hate to be pessimistic but I’m expecting him to be something that I’ll one day despise. I expect him to grow tired, or used to and show his true character. Maybe he’s going to be clingy, maybe he gets jealous easily, maybe he’s a sweet talker and does the same to a bunch of other women; the possibilities go on forever in my head. But the main one that sticks out is the fact that he could be gay (or just bi). I hate myself for conjuring up such a thing in my mind as if only the respectable, sweet men of the world just so happen to be gay. From my personal experiences, I’ve dated a man who was gay (but not out the closet) and he was the most respectful guy I’ve ever dated. All in all, I don’t have high hopes for anyone I’m interested in. My expectations shrunk so small for men when they screw up or disappoint, I feel no sense of loss and I’m not afraid of love, there’s just no sense to love because I feel like that part of me is on hold. But if there is a possibility him and I get serious I have a plan that I’m going to stick with, and it’s very simple

         Don’t have sex with him for 90 days

I know it’ll be difficult but if I want to ensure my time won’t be wasted, I have to follow through as long with my rule that I broke a while back and that is to never go to a guys house especially at
night. I will not break these two rules. Another set of rules that I’ve added t(thanks to this book I read called Fly Betty by Treasure Blue) is the following…

“1. Never love a man who doesn’t love you back

2. Never give a man who won’t give back

3. Never try to keep a man who doesn’t want to stay

4. Never cry over a man who wont cry over you

5. Every man got to know from the very beginning if they should ever disrespect or violate you for any reason they must know you would not hesitate to leave without looking back”

Whatever the outcome, I’m going to enjoy the now because it’s too sweet to rush into things. Right now, it feels good to be respected and adored truly.

– I think he might be the one who brings me flowers…

I will be starting a series of book reviews based on love starting in September! Nothing is better than a book that inspires!

False Love vs Lonliness

Is it really that important to be in love or can we simply live happily on our own for the rest of our lives? I look at my mom and she’s been single for the majority of my life. There were two men she dated casually after my father but I never saw my mom in a serious relationship besides him although they were never married or made huge commitments together. Unfortunately, my father was a pathological liar. Now she’s 41 and I worry about her all the time. I can feel that it bothers her especially now that I’m an adult and she doesn’t have to focus on my needs anymore. I also worry about me a lot and now that I think about it I’ve become obsessed with the thought because I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid I’m going to end up like my mom. I’m afraid that I’m going to grow bitter, or that I’m going to be a part of a stupid statistic. I look at the beautiful strong black women in my family on my mother’s side and they all are single. All of my life I never saw them with anyone, I always thought it was strange but they had kids so I always wondered where it went wrong. Growing up I’ve seen women I love in pain, feeling unloved and broken. There are too many people I know that are broken. Why does it have to be that way?

Then I take a look at my dad’s side and although some are married I always sensed it to be not genuine especially with my own father’s marriage. He’s been married since 2008 and I’ve only seen his wife twice and the family barely know who she is. I always thought when you love someone you want them to be around the other people you love.  Also with my father’s sister, my aunt, who I think married for financial stability, doesn’t seem happy at all but she’s getting the two income household everyone needs to raise their children comfortably.  So what now? Has love become an agreement? Is marriage a compromise for one another’s personal benefit? I believe so.

I always reflect on my past relationships and thank God He led me through series of events to make it out alive because every single guy I’ve dated could have been my one-way ticket to a lifetime of pain and struggle. In the midst of my chaotic love life I’ve had two abortions, been abused, raped and expendable in every way imaginable but I’m still a free agent. I still have hope that someone can change my outlook on marriage and love one day.  At the end of the day if I were to choose to be in a relationship and unhappy or lonely and unhappy I would choose lonely. If no one comes along I have will grow old and die alone but believe I will die knowing that I left memories of happiness, joy and a fulfilled life that I lived.