So I met him (lets officially call him Jr) after a month of skyping, texting and talking over the phone. He drove 8 hours to see me and we stayed at a cheap inn down the street from the university in my city. I had to contemplate, whether or not I would stay with a stranger, although I love him nevertheless thats what he is. I met him at Walmart since the lady at the hotel told them (him and his military roommates) they cant get their room 2 in the morning which is ridiculous…driving to meet him 2 in the morning was the scariest thing I probably ever done. I was nervous to the point of no control.
From the moment he knocked on my window I got out of my car to look in his eyes, he reached out and said come here in his warm familiar deep voice. I wrapped my arms around him and shut my eyes tight, clenching my jaw fighting back tears. Moments passed and I felt weak to my knees so I sat back down in my car and he hopped in on the other side. We stared at each other for a moment and his intensity made me pull away. The intensity and fire in his eyes were always evident to me once we starting video chatting. When we had nothing to say we would look at each other and I’d always have to look away because the emotions I felt when I looked at him took over my whole body. Nobody has made me feel like that before. We kissed and fell asleep for a couple hours and I finally talked him into going back to the hotel to see if the rude lady will let them take their rooms.
His roomies went up to their room and I followed my man to ours. We stepped in the room which smelled of cigarette smoke. Too tired to complain, I dropped my things on the table and walked over to the king size bed with him. We pulled back off the first layer of bedding and snuggled under the fleece blanket. I could see a piece of the sky getting lighter through the window curtains and checked the time realizing it was almost 5 am. I looked at him and he gave me the warmest eyes that could’ve lit my body on fire. He grabbed my body up against his and we kissed one passionate kiss which of course led to us making love. It wasn’t a quickie either, we made love until the sun bursted through the thick curtains and lit up our bodies. His yellow skin against my chocolate complexion glowed from the outside in by the sun; it was magical, I was in a dream state. We talked some more and knocked out til about 2 in the afternoon. We decided to head out for some food and enjoy each others company. I realized I’m not too good with couple outings and his slightest action of affection made me uncomfortable. I know he noticed my reaction to his hand rubbing my lower back and he distanced his body just a tad. Which I knew then that that would be an issue we’d face. The next night was when the issue surfaced and the warmth and light that remained in my soul from our unity dimmed.
He told me he wasnt sure about us anymore that when we went out for the day and he would talk to me I would respond in a rude matter or I would act like he’s irritating me. I know I’m not the friendliest person, I’ve done great by putting up walls and not being open and warm. I’m real about that shit; I’m one scared ass bitch when it comes to social situations and relationships. But there he was giving me honesty in Buca De Peppo when we finished our meal. Seeing him this cold on me made me feel like it was over. I choked on my heart and had to rush to the bathroom to keep myself from bawling out tears. To compose my emotions I stared at myself in the mirror and didnt see pretty, I thought to myself that maybe just maybe he got what he wanted and his views of me that were once of beauty changed. I walked back to the table paid the check and made our way back to the hotel. On the freeway I was struggling to fight more tears and I lost that battle venting to him. In this moment I realized that what he addressed to me back at the restaurant, I’ve dealt with this before. That it’s always my fault for a relationship not working out. Which leaves me in the crazy downward spiral trying to “fix” myself so that it’ll be better. As if the way I am isn’t good enough.
I could tell he’s already not satisfied with my body shape and the fact that I wear wigs or that I say “what?” every time he looks at me without saying anything. He tried to say I’m rude, that the girls in Georgia are friendlier than people from Cali. “Maybe you should get a southern girl to be with then.” I could tell he hated those words coming out my mouth…I really want to stand firm so he doesn’t think that I’m just going to beat myself over it, although it hurts beyond emotionally. It’s so crazy that the little things that I’ve noticed about what he does, I saved them for myself because I believe that nothing is going to be perfect and that I’d rather make the positives stronger than give the little negatives any power. Once we got to the hotel we talked some more, then I realized that he’s a pretty calculated individual who is quick to call someone out on little things but will turn around and be a hypocrite. My heart eased out of my throat and now its just resting. I love him but I don’t know if the intensity that I once loved about him is the same intensity that I got to experience now. Granted he has traits that I love, and his commitment to me is real, I just want to know what else there is so I can truly love every aspect of him good or bad. I never had anyone make me so overly emotional, I mean this man made me cry happy and sad tears, I cried multiple times realizing that out mini vacation was almost over, I love him but the feeling is gone. The lust/crush feeling is gone and I want to see if we will remain strong with our distance past the first phase. Can we stay in love?