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The Boyfriend Trial Run (Late Post)

So I met him (lets officially call him Jr) after a month of skyping, texting and talking over the phone. He drove 8 hours to see me and we stayed at a cheap inn down the street from the university in my city. I had to contemplate, whether or not I would stay with a stranger, although I love him nevertheless thats what he is. I met him at Walmart since the lady at the hotel told them (him and his military roommates) they cant get their room 2 in the morning which is ridiculous…driving to meet him 2 in the morning was the scariest thing I probably ever done. I was nervous to the point of no control.

From the moment he knocked on my window I got out of my car to look in his eyes, he reached out and said come here in his warm familiar deep voice. I wrapped my arms around him and shut my eyes tight, clenching my jaw fighting back tears. Moments passed and I felt weak to my knees so I sat back down in my car and he hopped in on the other side. We stared at each other for a moment and his intensity made me pull away. The intensity and fire in his eyes were always evident to me once we starting video chatting. When we had nothing to say we would look at each other and I’d always have to look away because the emotions I felt when I looked at him took over my whole body. Nobody has made me feel like that before. We kissed and fell asleep for a couple hours and I finally talked him into going back to the hotel to see if the rude lady will let them take their rooms.

His roomies went up to their room and I followed my man to ours. We stepped in the room which smelled of cigarette smoke. Too tired to complain, I dropped my things on the table and walked over to the king size bed with him. We pulled back off the first layer of bedding and snuggled under the fleece blanket. I could see a piece of the sky getting lighter through the window curtains and checked the time realizing it was almost 5 am. I looked at him and he gave me the warmest eyes that could’ve lit my body on fire. He grabbed my body up against his and we kissed one passionate kiss which of course led to us making love. It wasn’t a quickie either, we made love until the sun bursted through the thick curtains and lit up our bodies. His yellow skin against my chocolate complexion glowed from the outside in by the sun; it was magical, I was in a dream state. We talked some more and knocked out til about 2 in the afternoon. We decided to head out for some food and enjoy each others company. I realized I’m not too good with couple outings and his slightest action of affection made me uncomfortable. I know he noticed my reaction to his hand rubbing my lower back and he distanced his body just a tad. Which I knew then that that would be an issue we’d face. The next night was when the issue surfaced and the warmth and light that remained in my soul from our unity dimmed.

He told me he wasnt sure about us anymore that when we went out for the day and he would talk to me I would respond in a rude matter or I would act like he’s irritating me. I know I’m not the friendliest person, I’ve done great by putting up walls and not being open and warm. I’m real about that shit; I’m one scared ass bitch when it comes to social situations and relationships. But there he was giving me honesty in Buca De Peppo when we finished our meal. Seeing him this cold on me made me feel like it was over.  I choked on my heart and had to rush to the bathroom to keep myself from bawling out tears. To compose my emotions I stared at myself in the mirror and didnt see pretty, I thought to myself that maybe just maybe he got what he wanted and his views of me that were once of beauty changed. I walked back to the table paid the check and made our way back to the hotel. On the freeway I was struggling to fight more tears and I lost that battle venting to him. In this moment I realized that what he addressed to me back at the restaurant, I’ve dealt with this before. That it’s always my fault for a relationship not working out. Which leaves me in the crazy downward spiral trying to “fix” myself so that it’ll be better. As if the way I am isn’t good enough.

I could tell he’s already not satisfied with my body shape and the fact that I wear wigs or that I say “what?” every time he looks at me without saying anything. He tried to say I’m rude, that the girls in Georgia are friendlier than people from Cali. “Maybe you should get a southern girl to be with then.” I could tell he hated those words coming out my mouth…I really want to stand firm so he doesn’t think that I’m just going to beat myself over it, although it hurts beyond emotionally. It’s so crazy that the little things that I’ve noticed about what he does, I saved them for myself because I believe that nothing is going to be perfect and that I’d rather make the positives stronger than give the little negatives any power. Once we got to the hotel we talked some more, then I realized that he’s a pretty calculated individual who is quick to call someone out on little things but will turn around and be a hypocrite. My heart eased out of my throat and now its just resting. I love him but I don’t know if the intensity that I once loved about him is the same intensity that I got to experience now. Granted he has traits that I love, and his commitment to me is real, I just want to know what else there is so I can truly love every aspect of him good or bad. I never had anyone make me so overly emotional, I mean this man made me cry happy and sad tears, I cried multiple times realizing that out mini vacation was almost over, I love him but the feeling is gone. The lust/crush feeling is gone and I want to see if we will remain strong with our distance past the first phase. Can we stay in love?

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black love, dating and love, dating and relationships, falling in love, finding love blog, love blog, online dating

I found love on POF (late post)

 

POF, which is plenty of fish for those who aren’t on the online dating craze, is one interesting ass website, I mean I’ve seen all types of people on there from men in prison to “pastors” looking for their first lady. I never thought I’d find the love of my life, and the sad part is that I haven’t even met him yet. I don’t love openly and I’m very hardened based on my judgments of men. I guess you can say I’m a sexist; every man in my life and my friend’s and family’s lives have done nothing but hurt. Growing up seeing not one single positive image of a man, I personally feel no remorse for the way I feel. So on my profile I make it very clear what I want which came out to be 3 long paragraphs but it’s really helped to weave out the fuck boys. I think I found the one and its about to get real corny… There he was virtually, in my message box with his attractive ass. He looked so masculine and not in a look at me I got muscles. It was his eyes, light brown and full of real man qualities. I seen it all with him, and from that point on nobody else on POF mattered. I didn’t know what I was feeling and tried to make sense of it while we messaged back n forth. I kept going to his profile page to look for an answer as to why I was so drawn to him. But there was nothing that he wrote that stood out to me and he only had two pics, his profile and a pic of him in a military uniform.

I saw his location was in southern california and since I’m in northern california I was bummed thinking nothing will become of us but he continued to talk to me. I’m thinking to myself, okay there must be nobody in his area because I’m 8 hours away. After a couple of days he asked for my number and of course I say no just to see his reaction and he was okay with it and we continued the conversation. He just seem so cool about it and they fact that he continued to want to get to know me was enough for me to get his number to text him. From the day I gave him my number I felt even more confused about the way I feel to the point where I was so lost in my thoughts I’d almost forget I was in the shower, or even at work. I remember telling my girl how intense its getting and so quickly, I didnt understand the feelings I felt at all. I’ve never talked to someone who’ve I had strong feelings for like this, so I was feeling a little overwhelmed.

Then we skyped one night and I looked in his eyes and I felt this gravitational pull on my insides and my whole body so strong I had to pull away and I was afraid to give him eye contact the rest of the night. It was our chemistry. We made each other laugh and my attraction to him made my heart and my vagina thump but doubt kept coming through like a dark cloud raining on my whole damn life. Doubt is an amazing thing, or even lack of confidence. The fact that this guy, who is in the military with other females and stationed in sunny southern california where the girls are fine as hell, wants to talk to me and give me all his time, I can still search in the dark corners of my mind for the negative shit to bring me down and even mess up a possibility of a relationship with this amazing man. I’ve only talked to this man for a month and the words he says to me are everything I’ve wanted to hear and he backs it up with humility, which is a rare quality.

One night we were on skype and we had this real dramatic and overly romantic almost movie like conversation which resulted us in ending with I love you. I never loved anyone in the beginning of a relationship, ever. I always grown to love and for that it never really worked out. So when it came down to it, I felt the emotion burning inside my chest but I couldn’t say it at first. I wanted to say it the first week I talked to him over the phone. He said it first and explained why he loved me which made me collapse on my bed 10 million times. I never knew that love can love can literally make you weak. My heart melted as he told me he knew when he seen my eyes and being able to tell him I felt the same was the most amazing feeling I’ve had in a while. I felt as if the way I felt from that day wasn’t fake or ridiculous, that corny ass love at first sight was real for me even over the internet. I wanted to say I love you but I couldn’t, I could say that I liked him with ease or I’m into him but the word love was a hard thing to crack. The reassuring thing was that he understood. He understood why I was stuck and he assured me that he would do anything it takes to prove to me that I could trust him and that he wouldn’t hurt me and I believed him. His tone was eager yet warm and it made me cry. After all this time I finally got to experience what love should be. I’ve never even witnessed dedication from a man, someone who is willing to do what it takes to have me. Once the tears ran out I told him I loved him and the weight and confusion lifted off of my body and soul. Hearing him say I love you sends shockwaves of pleasure through my body; seeing his smile makes my body melt to the ground. I told him how amazing he is and he even turned that down. His humility is rare, I see him being an amazing father. He’s ready to get married and have kids, but I’m no dummy. He is not my boyfriend until I meet him which will be on the 3rd of next month. I want to be able to feel him and really see him in front of me because I’m all about body language and vibes but he’s definitely the guy I’d want to be with in the future.

-(I’ve been MIA trying to figure out the direction of this blog and I realized I’m way more comfortable writing about my journey to find love, although this is a blog where i’ll write or post whatever I want; I’m sticking to what I’m most compelled by)

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dating and love, dating and relationships, love, the dating diary

Escaping the Friend Zone, Is There Even One?

How does a girl escape the friend zone? I’ve been trying to refrain myself from google’ing everything that has to deal with relationships and instead going back to the best source, my common sense. But still I’m left with that question floating in my mind. Another day has passed with regret that D might have some sort of pull on me. I analyzed it all. He can really get me to do anything he wants, all he has to do is be kind to me, even when I give him a reason not to be.
 
He’s done it before. I’d get mad because he wouldn’t call or text, then when I confront him, he’ll apologize and say he needs to work on it; that I don’t deserve it. Then all the malicious thoughts I seemed to conjure up disappear as the rush of warm feelings came flowing right back. Sometimes I feel like the rush is love but I always deny that sentiment. He’s a different breed of men I’ve never dated.
 
We’ve been hooking up on multiple occasions and I don’t know how to turn the off switch. He’s so sweet and affectionate; everything that I really missed out on in the past, but I wonder if I’m confusing affection with actual interest and love. I never really believed that someone would pull that good of a poker face until D. For someone who doesn’t mind expressing his interest in me in public but at the same time doesn’t want to be transparent on how he feels about me is the most mind wrecking thing in my dating history. I’m able to look at someone’s eyes and tell but his eyes gives off a sincerity that I’m so in denial in I want to hand him an Emmy.
 
I wonder if he’s fucking insane, or just really ahead of the game.  That if I get a rise out of him that would make him human, or normal. Maybe I’m the insane one. I tend to live through my past relationships; assuming that he’ll use me because he’s gay and that he needs something to prove. Or in time he might hurt me physically, emotionally, or maybe he’s just another guy manipulating his way into my vagina, like it’s a game, one he enjoys playing just because.  It freaks me out to not know his weaknesses yet. That if we’re still going somewhere, wherever it is, I will sleep with one eye open because truth is I don’t trust men. I’m just not ready for them. So I’m hanging up the search for good to focus on myself, truly.
 
So how do you escape the friend zone? Truth is there is no answer, no zone, no series of articles or steps any website or friend can give me. It’s either you’re meant to be friends or not and only time will tell. I have let go of trying to control my love life and let everything fall and flow, as they will be. 
 
JADE. 
 
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Brain On Relationships, dating and relationships, happiness, loneliness, love, unhappiness

False Love vs Lonliness

Is it really that important to be in love or can we simply live happily on our own for the rest of our lives? I look at my mom and she’s been single for the majority of my life. There were two men she dated casually after my father but I never saw my mom in a serious relationship besides him although they were never married or made huge commitments together. Unfortunately, my father was a pathological liar. Now she’s 41 and I worry about her all the time. I can feel that it bothers her especially now that I’m an adult and she doesn’t have to focus on my needs anymore. I also worry about me a lot and now that I think about it I’ve become obsessed with the thought because I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid I’m going to end up like my mom. I’m afraid that I’m going to grow bitter, or that I’m going to be a part of a stupid statistic. I look at the beautiful strong black women in my family on my mother’s side and they all are single. All of my life I never saw them with anyone, I always thought it was strange but they had kids so I always wondered where it went wrong. Growing up I’ve seen women I love in pain, feeling unloved and broken. There are too many people I know that are broken. Why does it have to be that way?

Then I take a look at my dad’s side and although some are married I always sensed it to be not genuine especially with my own father’s marriage. He’s been married since 2008 and I’ve only seen his wife twice and the family barely know who she is. I always thought when you love someone you want them to be around the other people you love.  Also with my father’s sister, my aunt, who I think married for financial stability, doesn’t seem happy at all but she’s getting the two income household everyone needs to raise their children comfortably.  So what now? Has love become an agreement? Is marriage a compromise for one another’s personal benefit? I believe so.

I always reflect on my past relationships and thank God He led me through series of events to make it out alive because every single guy I’ve dated could have been my one-way ticket to a lifetime of pain and struggle. In the midst of my chaotic love life I’ve had two abortions, been abused, raped and expendable in every way imaginable but I’m still a free agent. I still have hope that someone can change my outlook on marriage and love one day.  At the end of the day if I were to choose to be in a relationship and unhappy or lonely and unhappy I would choose lonely. If no one comes along I have will grow old and die alone but believe I will die knowing that I left memories of happiness, joy and a fulfilled life that I lived.

 

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