I Told You So 

Didn’t I tell you

Didn’t I tell you

That I’d bounce back

as if nothing happened

Unscathed, untouched

Not a scratch or bruise

Not a tear or sweat

Not damn thing

I told you so…

(2016, Shani)


Escaping the Friend Zone, Is There Even One?

How does a girl escape the friend zone? I’ve been trying to refrain myself from google’ing everything that has to deal with relationships and instead going back to the best source, my common sense. But still I’m left with that question floating in my mind. Another day has passed with regret that D might have some sort of pull on me. I analyzed it all. He can really get me to do anything he wants, all he has to do is be kind to me, even when I give him a reason not to be.
He’s done it before. I’d get mad because he wouldn’t call or text, then when I confront him, he’ll apologize and say he needs to work on it; that I don’t deserve it. Then all the malicious thoughts I seemed to conjure up disappear as the rush of warm feelings came flowing right back. Sometimes I feel like the rush is love but I always deny that sentiment. He’s a different breed of men I’ve never dated.
We’ve been hooking up on multiple occasions and I don’t know how to turn the off switch. He’s so sweet and affectionate; everything that I really missed out on in the past, but I wonder if I’m confusing affection with actual interest and love. I never really believed that someone would pull that good of a poker face until D. For someone who doesn’t mind expressing his interest in me in public but at the same time doesn’t want to be transparent on how he feels about me is the most mind wrecking thing in my dating history. I’m able to look at someone’s eyes and tell but his eyes gives off a sincerity that I’m so in denial in I want to hand him an Emmy.
I wonder if he’s fucking insane, or just really ahead of the game.  That if I get a rise out of him that would make him human, or normal. Maybe I’m the insane one. I tend to live through my past relationships; assuming that he’ll use me because he’s gay and that he needs something to prove. Or in time he might hurt me physically, emotionally, or maybe he’s just another guy manipulating his way into my vagina, like it’s a game, one he enjoys playing just because.  It freaks me out to not know his weaknesses yet. That if we’re still going somewhere, wherever it is, I will sleep with one eye open because truth is I don’t trust men. I’m just not ready for them. So I’m hanging up the search for good to focus on myself, truly.
So how do you escape the friend zone? Truth is there is no answer, no zone, no series of articles or steps any website or friend can give me. It’s either you’re meant to be friends or not and only time will tell. I have let go of trying to control my love life and let everything fall and flow, as they will be. 

90 Days, too Soon

We had sex in the middle of the day after our bellies were full of Mexican food. As I laid on the couch covered in a blanket and him on the floor next to me, our eyes glued on the tv watching Sex in the City unable to move until we became aroused from our dirty thoughts. I felt him touch me so suddenly, strongly as if a magnetic force of attraction pulled him in close to me and as his pink lips touched mine, all beliefs dissolved instantly.

Feeling only 80% satisfied from the food and sex, I looked at him disappointed and explained to him how I wanted to wait. We’ve only been on 3 friendly outings the 3rd being the day that I broke my so called 90 day rule. It’s been so positive, light and interesting. Even though I’ve been talking to him since June, I wanted us to date for 90 days where we could get to know each other on a friendship level and not sexual but of course I screwed it up and I feel like our relationship is going to head towards friends with benefits. I’m starting to believe that maybe I should stick to the casual relationship and let go of the rules.

He looked me in my eyes and smiled trying to assure me that this wouldn’t change. I caught the eagerness, as if he wanted me to believe him so bad but I refused to lock my eyes with his and at that moment I realized that half of me was afraid, the other half was still horny. I shook my head unwilling to accept it at that moment; words hold no value to me. All I could utter to him was “we’ll see”. I almost felt broken like he already hurt me. Or am I hurting because I’m anticipating it too much? He hugged me and as I felt the jolt in his pants, we went at it again. A moment later he decided to go and the seductress in me came out persuading him to stay as I made him gaze at my body. He stopped, out of control of his hands he touched me and while I stared at him biting his lip, I made him cum one more time and sent him along his way knowing in the back of my head this is the last time in a very long time this will ever happen, I hope. It’s funny how there was a little voice in my head telling me he shouldn’t come over. When will I ever learn.

False Love vs Lonliness

Is it really that important to be in love or can we simply live happily on our own for the rest of our lives? I look at my mom and she’s been single for the majority of my life. There were two men she dated casually after my father but I never saw my mom in a serious relationship besides him although they were never married or made huge commitments together. Unfortunately, my father was a pathological liar. Now she’s 41 and I worry about her all the time. I can feel that it bothers her especially now that I’m an adult and she doesn’t have to focus on my needs anymore. I also worry about me a lot and now that I think about it I’ve become obsessed with the thought because I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid I’m going to end up like my mom. I’m afraid that I’m going to grow bitter, or that I’m going to be a part of a stupid statistic. I look at the beautiful strong black women in my family on my mother’s side and they all are single. All of my life I never saw them with anyone, I always thought it was strange but they had kids so I always wondered where it went wrong. Growing up I’ve seen women I love in pain, feeling unloved and broken. There are too many people I know that are broken. Why does it have to be that way?

Then I take a look at my dad’s side and although some are married I always sensed it to be not genuine especially with my own father’s marriage. He’s been married since 2008 and I’ve only seen his wife twice and the family barely know who she is. I always thought when you love someone you want them to be around the other people you love.  Also with my father’s sister, my aunt, who I think married for financial stability, doesn’t seem happy at all but she’s getting the two income household everyone needs to raise their children comfortably.  So what now? Has love become an agreement? Is marriage a compromise for one another’s personal benefit? I believe so.

I always reflect on my past relationships and thank God He led me through series of events to make it out alive because every single guy I’ve dated could have been my one-way ticket to a lifetime of pain and struggle. In the midst of my chaotic love life I’ve had two abortions, been abused, raped and expendable in every way imaginable but I’m still a free agent. I still have hope that someone can change my outlook on marriage and love one day.  At the end of the day if I were to choose to be in a relationship and unhappy or lonely and unhappy I would choose lonely. If no one comes along I have will grow old and die alone but believe I will die knowing that I left memories of happiness, joy and a fulfilled life that I lived.