I like him. There’s this magnetic pull on me for him. It’s killing me. It’s been three long months at this job where I answer incoming phone calls from the inquiring minds of the working class regarding their health and life insurances. It’s a job, underpaid, and an unsettling work environment but I’ve learned to adjust to make myself sane, key word sane.
I remember seeing him for the first time; lets call him LB. It was the first day of training and they broke us off into groups to direct us go into empty rooms, for organizational purposes. I stood across from him and I didn’t notice him until I saw him tugging on his clothes, looking down at his shoes every 5 seconds. I tilted my head in observation, analyzing his movements and the moment I looked away I caught him look at me. I didn’t think anything of it as they separated him and I to different team supervisors. For a couple days I didn’t see his face, nor did I really care, I was nervous about this new job. A few days of training passed and I had to move to a different group for whatever reason, I have no clue of til this day. I was going to be in a group with fidgety boy, LB. I didn’t even know he was in my group til I walked to the corner desk, which would be my new seat; he was standing in front of this girl having small talk. I said good morning politely and looked into his eyes, I wanted to be genuinely nice to my new coworkers. He perked up and said good morning and said our how are yous before I sat down. I got my desk ready and signed into my programs and made sure I was prepared for a long day of lecturing and fighting to stay awake. My new supervisor was not the nicest as she looked at me with eyes hatred, and my vibes from her was very nasty. I knew I couldn’t confide in her; whatever her complexes may be. She end up moving him away from me which was fine, but I was stuck on him, I really didn’t know what it was but I found myself looking at him with concern, trying to adjust to the feelings I felt, trying to make sense of them. Then it was evident on my half hour break that same day. I was walking down the hall looking down at my phone and LB and I bumped into each other, head first, reaction soon after. Then out of nowhere he slid close in front of me. I looked at his chest rise and fall and looked up at his mouth and once I felt his breath I snapped out of reality, left out a huge goof ball chuckle and blurted out excuse me. I walked fast down the hall way to get to the break room stunned trying to figure out what happened down the hall way a couple of mins ago. I kept replaying the events in my head, trying to figure out how that happened. That’s when I felt my heartbeat pacing fast as I walked all the way back to my seat before lunch was over. From that point on I knew there were feelings there, but there was my religion. I didn’t believe in work relationships and I just felt like he was choosing, so I made a decision to lay low, honestly I was afraid of the strong feelings stirring up in me. So for a week we looked at each other flirtatiously. We would lock eyes and smile amidst the chaos around us, and I’d catch him stare at me from time to time, I felt so high, I felt so high school. I knew everybody knew. I knew everybody felt it, I felt as if our tension was radiating in the room.
Then there were times where I felt so low, as I watch the women around him, jealousy brewed as soon as I stepped in his peripheral view. I watch people judge me any moment they could, talk about me, patronize, and criticize me, and all for nothing that mattered, unless LB mattered to them. I immediately felt uncomfortable; I didn’t even get a chance to get comfortable in this new group. I felt closed in, but I didn’t let it get the best of me. I could see the need for a man’s attention from the women whether it may be platonic in my group. There isn’t plenty man to go around. I watch friendships form and I was still stuck in the corner, I felt that those who spoke about me tried to talk to me once my supervisor did another seating arrangement and I felt uninterested, even with LB. I took pride in focusing on staying awake, and paying attention to our training. Still being patronized, talked about, criticized, amazingly enough, I was able to withstand it, of course through the grace of God. My supervisor, someone who I should confide in watched me devilishly as hate spread across the group for me. I took it, passive aggressively but the person I expected least to get sucked in the hate was LB.
I watch these girls grab his attention, plotting and scheming, making me look bad, pointing out my flaws in front of him but he always smiled at me; he always perked up when I’d turn to acknowledge him. I was flattered and as our relationship slowly peaked at the horizon on the day before the last day of training, and on the very last day, everything crashed because of this girl. This real hood girl, she reminds me of a gross sister from proud family, lets call her DQ. Mean spirited, she seen what was going on between LB and I, and she decided to do anything in her power to ruin it. She was successful, because on the last day of training he joined in with the trend and from that day forward I made a conscious decision to forget about whatever we could have had between us. The hate engulfed him, and I realized he wasn’t as conscious as he made himself appear to be. Being a sapiosexual he was no longer attractive to me.
He continued his constant hate because he knew that that would be the only way to get my attention. For the remainder of the time I’ve been working there, I remained passive aggressive. I’ve had to take up seeing a therapist, have a daily breathing ritual, and even remove myself from the area. All because of this man, LB, because it’s his fucking world at my job. The women want to be around him, the guys want to be cool with him, or maybe even be like him. The women attempt to make me jealous. They wish they could get a guy to give them the attention like he gave me. It’s sad because I know the words that they put out into the universe are only a reflection of themselves.
So after all the crap he put me through, you’re probably wondering why I would even like him. I can’t even explain why I even liked him the day I said good morning, I just did. Sometimes I wonder if it could be fate. I bumped into him 5 times and I’ve never bumped into anyone like I have with him. We have too much in common, it pisses me off and often times it’s disappointing, because things could’ve panned out differently, I could have dated him. The moral of the story is, just because the feeling is still there doesn’t mean that we’re going to be together, not if I can help it. I’m teaching my mind to aid my heart’s wants. This too shall pass…