dating and love, growth, happiness

It’s Complicated

I don’t have the words to explain this

for once in my life I can actually say it’s complicated.

im a fucking estranged wife and single mother and I didn’t think my life would come to this.

But here it is, guess I have something to write about now… well I did but I put that on the back burner for some time now. Abuse will do that to you. Pain will put you through a creative paralysis.

It started when I found out I was pregnant. What was an ill fate turned to a blessing, my whole life has changed for the better. It didn’t happen overnight though.

So I’m bringing my first love, writing, back to life. I hope you enjoy it.

 

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black love, dating and love, dating and relationships, falling in love, finding love blog, love blog, online dating

I found love on POF (late post)

 

POF, which is plenty of fish for those who aren’t on the online dating craze, is one interesting ass website, I mean I’ve seen all types of people on there from men in prison to “pastors” looking for their first lady. I never thought I’d find the love of my life, and the sad part is that I haven’t even met him yet. I don’t love openly and I’m very hardened based on my judgments of men. I guess you can say I’m a sexist; every man in my life and my friend’s and family’s lives have done nothing but hurt. Growing up seeing not one single positive image of a man, I personally feel no remorse for the way I feel. So on my profile I make it very clear what I want which came out to be 3 long paragraphs but it’s really helped to weave out the fuck boys. I think I found the one and its about to get real corny… There he was virtually, in my message box with his attractive ass. He looked so masculine and not in a look at me I got muscles. It was his eyes, light brown and full of real man qualities. I seen it all with him, and from that point on nobody else on POF mattered. I didn’t know what I was feeling and tried to make sense of it while we messaged back n forth. I kept going to his profile page to look for an answer as to why I was so drawn to him. But there was nothing that he wrote that stood out to me and he only had two pics, his profile and a pic of him in a military uniform.

I saw his location was in southern california and since I’m in northern california I was bummed thinking nothing will become of us but he continued to talk to me. I’m thinking to myself, okay there must be nobody in his area because I’m 8 hours away. After a couple of days he asked for my number and of course I say no just to see his reaction and he was okay with it and we continued the conversation. He just seem so cool about it and they fact that he continued to want to get to know me was enough for me to get his number to text him. From the day I gave him my number I felt even more confused about the way I feel to the point where I was so lost in my thoughts I’d almost forget I was in the shower, or even at work. I remember telling my girl how intense its getting and so quickly, I didnt understand the feelings I felt at all. I’ve never talked to someone who’ve I had strong feelings for like this, so I was feeling a little overwhelmed.

Then we skyped one night and I looked in his eyes and I felt this gravitational pull on my insides and my whole body so strong I had to pull away and I was afraid to give him eye contact the rest of the night. It was our chemistry. We made each other laugh and my attraction to him made my heart and my vagina thump but doubt kept coming through like a dark cloud raining on my whole damn life. Doubt is an amazing thing, or even lack of confidence. The fact that this guy, who is in the military with other females and stationed in sunny southern california where the girls are fine as hell, wants to talk to me and give me all his time, I can still search in the dark corners of my mind for the negative shit to bring me down and even mess up a possibility of a relationship with this amazing man. I’ve only talked to this man for a month and the words he says to me are everything I’ve wanted to hear and he backs it up with humility, which is a rare quality.

One night we were on skype and we had this real dramatic and overly romantic almost movie like conversation which resulted us in ending with I love you. I never loved anyone in the beginning of a relationship, ever. I always grown to love and for that it never really worked out. So when it came down to it, I felt the emotion burning inside my chest but I couldn’t say it at first. I wanted to say it the first week I talked to him over the phone. He said it first and explained why he loved me which made me collapse on my bed 10 million times. I never knew that love can love can literally make you weak. My heart melted as he told me he knew when he seen my eyes and being able to tell him I felt the same was the most amazing feeling I’ve had in a while. I felt as if the way I felt from that day wasn’t fake or ridiculous, that corny ass love at first sight was real for me even over the internet. I wanted to say I love you but I couldn’t, I could say that I liked him with ease or I’m into him but the word love was a hard thing to crack. The reassuring thing was that he understood. He understood why I was stuck and he assured me that he would do anything it takes to prove to me that I could trust him and that he wouldn’t hurt me and I believed him. His tone was eager yet warm and it made me cry. After all this time I finally got to experience what love should be. I’ve never even witnessed dedication from a man, someone who is willing to do what it takes to have me. Once the tears ran out I told him I loved him and the weight and confusion lifted off of my body and soul. Hearing him say I love you sends shockwaves of pleasure through my body; seeing his smile makes my body melt to the ground. I told him how amazing he is and he even turned that down. His humility is rare, I see him being an amazing father. He’s ready to get married and have kids, but I’m no dummy. He is not my boyfriend until I meet him which will be on the 3rd of next month. I want to be able to feel him and really see him in front of me because I’m all about body language and vibes but he’s definitely the guy I’d want to be with in the future.

-(I’ve been MIA trying to figure out the direction of this blog and I realized I’m way more comfortable writing about my journey to find love, although this is a blog where i’ll write or post whatever I want; I’m sticking to what I’m most compelled by)

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attraction, black love, brain on love, Brain On Relationships, Brain On Thoughts, dating and love, enlightenment, finding love, love

Paths Crossed

I like him. There’s this magnetic pull on me for him. It’s killing me. It’s been three long months at this job where I answer incoming phone calls from the inquiring minds of the working class regarding their health and life insurances. It’s a job, underpaid, and an unsettling work environment but I’ve learned to adjust to make myself sane, key word sane.

I remember seeing him for the first time; lets call him LB. It was the first day of training and they broke us off into groups to direct us go into empty rooms, for organizational purposes. I stood across from him and I didn’t notice him until I saw him tugging on his clothes, looking down at his shoes every 5 seconds. I tilted my head in observation, analyzing his movements and the moment I looked away I caught him look at me. I didn’t think anything of it as they separated him and I to different team supervisors. For a couple days I didn’t see his face, nor did I really care, I was nervous about this new job. A few days of training passed and I had to move to a different group for whatever reason, I have no clue of til this day. I was going to be in a group with fidgety boy, LB. I didn’t even know he was in my group til I walked to the corner desk, which would be my new seat; he was standing in front of this girl having small talk. I said good morning politely and looked into his eyes, I wanted to be genuinely nice to my new coworkers. He perked up and said good morning and said our how are yous before I sat down.  I got my desk ready and signed into my programs and made sure I was prepared for a long day of lecturing and fighting to stay awake. My new supervisor was not the nicest as she looked at me with eyes hatred, and my vibes from her was very nasty. I knew I couldn’t confide in her; whatever her complexes may be. She end up moving him away from me which was fine, but I was stuck on him, I really didn’t know what it was but I found myself looking at him with concern, trying to adjust to the feelings I felt, trying to make sense of them. Then it was evident on my half hour break that same day. I was walking down the hall looking down at my phone and LB and I bumped into each other, head first, reaction soon after. Then out of nowhere he slid close in front of me. I looked at his chest rise and fall and looked up at his mouth and once I felt his breath I snapped out of reality, left out a huge goof ball chuckle and blurted out excuse me. I walked fast down the hall way to get to the break room stunned trying to figure out what happened down the hall way a couple of mins ago. I kept replaying the events in my head, trying to figure out how that happened. That’s when I felt my heartbeat pacing fast as I walked all the way back to my seat before lunch was over. From that point on I knew there were feelings there, but there was my religion. I didn’t believe in work relationships and I just felt like he was choosing, so I made a decision to lay low, honestly I was afraid of the strong feelings stirring up in me. So for a week we looked at each other flirtatiously. We would lock eyes and smile amidst the chaos around us, and I’d catch him stare at me from time to time, I felt so high, I felt so high school. I knew everybody knew. I knew everybody felt it, I felt as if our tension was radiating in the room.
Then there were times where I felt so low, as I watch the women around him, jealousy brewed as soon as I stepped in his peripheral view. I watch people judge me any moment they could, talk about me, patronize, and criticize me, and all for nothing that mattered, unless LB mattered to them. I immediately felt uncomfortable; I didn’t even get a chance to get comfortable in this new group. I felt closed in, but I didn’t let it get the best of me. I could see the need for a man’s attention from the women whether it may be platonic in my group. There isn’t plenty man to go around. I watch friendships form and I was still stuck in the corner, I felt that those who spoke about me tried to talk to me once my supervisor did another seating arrangement and I felt uninterested, even with LB. I took pride in focusing on staying awake, and paying attention to our training. Still being patronized, talked about, criticized, amazingly enough, I was able to withstand it, of course through the grace of God. My supervisor, someone who I should confide in watched me devilishly as hate spread across the group for me. I took it, passive aggressively but the person I expected least to get sucked in the hate was LB.
I watch these girls grab his attention, plotting and scheming, making me look bad, pointing out my flaws in front of him but he always smiled at me; he always perked up when I’d turn to acknowledge him. I was flattered and as our relationship slowly peaked at the horizon on the day before the last day of training, and on the very last day, everything crashed because of this girl. This real hood girl, she reminds me of a gross sister from proud family, lets call her DQ. Mean spirited, she seen what was going on between LB and I, and she decided to do anything in her power to ruin it. She was successful, because on the last day of training he joined in with the trend and from that day forward I made a conscious decision to forget about whatever we could have had between us. The hate engulfed him, and I realized he wasn’t as conscious as he made himself appear to be. Being a sapiosexual he was no longer attractive to me.
 He continued his constant hate because he knew that that would be the only way to get my attention. For the remainder of the time I’ve been working there, I remained passive aggressive. I’ve had to take up seeing a therapist, have a daily breathing ritual, and even remove myself from the area. All because of this man, LB, because it’s his fucking world at my job. The women want to be around him, the guys want to be cool with him, or maybe even be like him. The women attempt to make me jealous. They wish they could get a guy to give them the attention like he gave me. It’s sad because I know the words that they put out into the universe are only a reflection of themselves.
So after all the crap he put me through, you’re probably wondering why I would even like him. I can’t even explain why I even liked him the day I said good morning, I just did. Sometimes I wonder if it could be fate. I bumped into him 5 times and I’ve never bumped into anyone like I have with him. We have too much in common, it pisses me off and often times it’s disappointing, because things could’ve panned out differently, I could have dated him. The moral of the story is, just because the feeling is still there doesn’t mean that we’re going to be together, not if I can help it. I’m teaching my mind to aid my heart’s wants. This too shall pass…
 

JADE.
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dating and love, dating and relationships, love, the dating diary

Escaping the Friend Zone, Is There Even One?

How does a girl escape the friend zone? I’ve been trying to refrain myself from google’ing everything that has to deal with relationships and instead going back to the best source, my common sense. But still I’m left with that question floating in my mind. Another day has passed with regret that D might have some sort of pull on me. I analyzed it all. He can really get me to do anything he wants, all he has to do is be kind to me, even when I give him a reason not to be.
 
He’s done it before. I’d get mad because he wouldn’t call or text, then when I confront him, he’ll apologize and say he needs to work on it; that I don’t deserve it. Then all the malicious thoughts I seemed to conjure up disappear as the rush of warm feelings came flowing right back. Sometimes I feel like the rush is love but I always deny that sentiment. He’s a different breed of men I’ve never dated.
 
We’ve been hooking up on multiple occasions and I don’t know how to turn the off switch. He’s so sweet and affectionate; everything that I really missed out on in the past, but I wonder if I’m confusing affection with actual interest and love. I never really believed that someone would pull that good of a poker face until D. For someone who doesn’t mind expressing his interest in me in public but at the same time doesn’t want to be transparent on how he feels about me is the most mind wrecking thing in my dating history. I’m able to look at someone’s eyes and tell but his eyes gives off a sincerity that I’m so in denial in I want to hand him an Emmy.
 
I wonder if he’s fucking insane, or just really ahead of the game.  That if I get a rise out of him that would make him human, or normal. Maybe I’m the insane one. I tend to live through my past relationships; assuming that he’ll use me because he’s gay and that he needs something to prove. Or in time he might hurt me physically, emotionally, or maybe he’s just another guy manipulating his way into my vagina, like it’s a game, one he enjoys playing just because.  It freaks me out to not know his weaknesses yet. That if we’re still going somewhere, wherever it is, I will sleep with one eye open because truth is I don’t trust men. I’m just not ready for them. So I’m hanging up the search for good to focus on myself, truly.
 
So how do you escape the friend zone? Truth is there is no answer, no zone, no series of articles or steps any website or friend can give me. It’s either you’re meant to be friends or not and only time will tell. I have let go of trying to control my love life and let everything fall and flow, as they will be. 
 
JADE. 
 
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