POF, which is plenty of fish for those who aren’t on the online dating craze, is one interesting ass website, I mean I’ve seen all types of people on there from men in prison to “pastors” looking for their first lady. I never thought I’d find the love of my life, and the sad part is that I haven’t even met him yet. I don’t love openly and I’m very hardened based on my judgments of men. I guess you can say I’m a sexist; every man in my life and my friend’s and family’s lives have done nothing but hurt. Growing up seeing not one single positive image of a man, I personally feel no remorse for the way I feel. So on my profile I make it very clear what I want which came out to be 3 long paragraphs but it’s really helped to weave out the fuck boys. I think I found the one and its about to get real corny… There he was virtually, in my message box with his attractive ass. He looked so masculine and not in a look at me I got muscles. It was his eyes, light brown and full of real man qualities. I seen it all with him, and from that point on nobody else on POF mattered. I didn’t know what I was feeling and tried to make sense of it while we messaged back n forth. I kept going to his profile page to look for an answer as to why I was so drawn to him. But there was nothing that he wrote that stood out to me and he only had two pics, his profile and a pic of him in a military uniform.
I saw his location was in southern california and since I’m in northern california I was bummed thinking nothing will become of us but he continued to talk to me. I’m thinking to myself, okay there must be nobody in his area because I’m 8 hours away. After a couple of days he asked for my number and of course I say no just to see his reaction and he was okay with it and we continued the conversation. He just seem so cool about it and they fact that he continued to want to get to know me was enough for me to get his number to text him. From the day I gave him my number I felt even more confused about the way I feel to the point where I was so lost in my thoughts I’d almost forget I was in the shower, or even at work. I remember telling my girl how intense its getting and so quickly, I didnt understand the feelings I felt at all. I’ve never talked to someone who’ve I had strong feelings for like this, so I was feeling a little overwhelmed.
Then we skyped one night and I looked in his eyes and I felt this gravitational pull on my insides and my whole body so strong I had to pull away and I was afraid to give him eye contact the rest of the night. It was our chemistry. We made each other laugh and my attraction to him made my heart and my vagina thump but doubt kept coming through like a dark cloud raining on my whole damn life. Doubt is an amazing thing, or even lack of confidence. The fact that this guy, who is in the military with other females and stationed in sunny southern california where the girls are fine as hell, wants to talk to me and give me all his time, I can still search in the dark corners of my mind for the negative shit to bring me down and even mess up a possibility of a relationship with this amazing man. I’ve only talked to this man for a month and the words he says to me are everything I’ve wanted to hear and he backs it up with humility, which is a rare quality.
One night we were on skype and we had this real dramatic and overly romantic almost movie like conversation which resulted us in ending with I love you. I never loved anyone in the beginning of a relationship, ever. I always grown to love and for that it never really worked out. So when it came down to it, I felt the emotion burning inside my chest but I couldn’t say it at first. I wanted to say it the first week I talked to him over the phone. He said it first and explained why he loved me which made me collapse on my bed 10 million times. I never knew that love can love can literally make you weak. My heart melted as he told me he knew when he seen my eyes and being able to tell him I felt the same was the most amazing feeling I’ve had in a while. I felt as if the way I felt from that day wasn’t fake or ridiculous, that corny ass love at first sight was real for me even over the internet. I wanted to say I love you but I couldn’t, I could say that I liked him with ease or I’m into him but the word love was a hard thing to crack. The reassuring thing was that he understood. He understood why I was stuck and he assured me that he would do anything it takes to prove to me that I could trust him and that he wouldn’t hurt me and I believed him. His tone was eager yet warm and it made me cry. After all this time I finally got to experience what love should be. I’ve never even witnessed dedication from a man, someone who is willing to do what it takes to have me. Once the tears ran out I told him I loved him and the weight and confusion lifted off of my body and soul. Hearing him say I love you sends shockwaves of pleasure through my body; seeing his smile makes my body melt to the ground. I told him how amazing he is and he even turned that down. His humility is rare, I see him being an amazing father. He’s ready to get married and have kids, but I’m no dummy. He is not my boyfriend until I meet him which will be on the 3rd of next month. I want to be able to feel him and really see him in front of me because I’m all about body language and vibes but he’s definitely the guy I’d want to be with in the future.
-(I’ve been MIA trying to figure out the direction of this blog and I realized I’m way more comfortable writing about my journey to find love, although this is a blog where i’ll write or post whatever I want; I’m sticking to what I’m most compelled by)