being in love, fatal attraction, love, love diary, relationships

Theres a Thin Line Between Love and Fatal Attraction

I think too much. I feel too much. So does he, this guy I work with. But something is off about him and his lack of ability to control his thoughts and moods. When I decided to turn to him to talk, it sparked this topic that I realized that he is very passionate about, music. I felt my heart beat faster as we found even more that we have in common. Cool, I thought to myself, he’s definitely my type, I liked him again. Right when I come to terms with liking LB I think of the past and his inability to control his thoughts, his emotions and then I trailed off to my ex Larry.

Larry wasn’t capable of love. He wasn’t able to control his thoughts and emotions. Although Larry was passionate, something that I was very attracted to, his passion turned into a monster. I spent a year with Larry dealing with his bullshit, abusing me mentally and physically. It was light at first, he was my best friend. I was always around his family, I loved them too. We would play fight in his mother’s living room all the time and one day it turned sour. I was on the floor fighting to breathe in the strength of his hands gripping my neck. I was limp trying to tell him to stop, trying to tell him I can’t breathe. Right then and there I thought it was over, the moment I let go and my eyes hung shut, he let go. It didn’t stop me from loving him because 19 year old me thought it was a mistake.  Things turned more sour when he decided to break up with me every weekend just to watch my heart break for no reason. His thrill was to hurt me, his insecurities made him jealous, made him delusional. He always thought I was talking to another guy, and would hide behind the computer to start facebook fights with every guy friend I had. While we were broken up he cheated on me on the weekends while I cried in my friend’s arms. I loved him and he was fatally attracted to me and like every fatal attraction relationship it ended horribly. I had an abortion and decided to move across the country, to get far away from him. Now do I know that LB is like Larry? Hell no, who am I to judge, but I feel what I feel and something doesn’t feel right, sometimes.

I can tell you, whoever you are, that I don’t like LB, that he’s too much; he’s disrespectful, he points out every single flaw that I carry with me, he’s too passionate, jealous, and insecure but because both LB and I know what’s real, liking him will never change. Sometimes the feeling is gone, but they’ll come back like a flood breaking down a concrete wall. There’s nothing I want more than to see what it’s like. What he’s really like, without the audience. I can tell myself that I will not date him, not if I can help it but I want to. I’m in love with fatal attraction. I’m attracted to obsession, as crazy as that sounds. Not saying that I want to be crazy in love, I want to be crazy in love in the most diluted way possible. There’s a really thin line for me.
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