6 months of celibacy went down the drain last night in his bedroom. My potential love interest, the guy who I’ve been afraid to meet, I met last night. Now that last night has passed I now know what I was afraid of.
When we first talked, I told him my rules…my rules “were”
1. No meeting at night
2. No going to a guy’s house
I was okay with breaking rule number 1 but rule number 2 was near and dear to my heart no matter the circumstance. I knew for a fact that no matter what guys say, when you are going to someone’s house and there is an attraction, you are going to have sex. Regardless of my wisdom that has grown throughout the years with experience, for whatever reason I ended up in the front of his drive way looking up at his house cursing myself out inside my head. It was like he saw the vulnerable in me and he knew what was going to happen that night.
As I was in his room sitting on his bed I made it my duty to remain busy. I asked him questions to generate a conversation trying to not have it lead to what we were anticipating. I kept telling myself, “I love sex but I love me more.” I knew that once we have sex nothing is ever going to come out of this relationship. He asked me to lay down, to put my head on his chest. He turned on some music as we laid there looking up at the ceiling no words were spoken, just loud thoughts. At that point I didn’t know what to do. Dumbfounded, I looked at him and he looked back. “What are you thinking?” he asked. I told him nothing and as soon as I took a deep breath and plopped my head on his pillow, he leaned over to kiss me.
The kiss was no fireworks kiss but it awakened something in me; that I haven’t kissed a guy in months. The whole time he persuaded me with little actions and words to make me smile. I was saying no but I was letting go more of me as my body language was getting more relaxed, more open, and more comfortable. We knew what he was doing but I couldn’t help but to enjoy it because I missed it. I missed being held, and stared at. He asked me if he could kissed my legs, I shook my head yes. Soon enough the lights were off and as he pulled down my pants I buried my face in the covers as I tried to make sense of why I was throwing everything I believe in away; why did I break my rules. Sometimes I wonder how am I ever going to be loved when time and effort hasn’t been involved in the relationship. I told myself I should have been more firm, more harsh and more honest. I knew all his words were just words. He said how he’s not the kind of guy to have sex with someone and never talk to them again. I aww’d in response doubting every word he said but I always believed words have power because there I was legs in the air telling him that I wanted him inside me. Confident and sure in every way, I turned on myself. Once it was over I sat there stunned, full of regret and hurt. I couldn’t talk to him; I was disgusted by him and me; I had no more respect for him or me. Surprisingly he was sweet to me after but I couldn’t help to be cold and I couldn’t help but to feel used. I fought back the tears on the ride back to my house. Once we made it back he hugged me and said thank you for opening up to me. Thank you…
Thank you? I anticipate him texting me less and not calling me at all. I anticipate him going back on tinder and finding another girl to have sex with. I anticipate being alone for the rest of my life because I just can’t seem to grasp the fact that men will be men. They don’t care that you have said no, they don’t care about your beliefs, they don’t care as long as you give in. They won the prize and they get way more satisfaction from taking that from you than just cumming(?) after 5 mins of sex. That’s just the way it is…
I treaded my celibacy to feel special, one night for 6 months…joy