False Love vs Lonliness

Is it really that important to be in love or can we simply live happily on our own for the rest of our lives? I look at my mom and she’s been single for the majority of my life. There were two men she dated casually after my father but I never saw my mom in a serious relationship besides him although they were never married or made huge commitments together. Unfortunately, my father was a pathological liar. Now she’s 41 and I worry about her all the time. I can feel that it bothers her especially now that I’m an adult and she doesn’t have to focus on my needs anymore. I also worry about me a lot and now that I think about it I’ve become obsessed with the thought because I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid I’m going to end up like my mom. I’m afraid that I’m going to grow bitter, or that I’m going to be a part of a stupid statistic. I look at the beautiful strong black women in my family on my mother’s side and they all are single. All of my life I never saw them with anyone, I always thought it was strange but they had kids so I always wondered where it went wrong. Growing up I’ve seen women I love in pain, feeling unloved and broken. There are too many people I know that are broken. Why does it have to be that way?

Then I take a look at my dad’s side and although some are married I always sensed it to be not genuine especially with my own father’s marriage. He’s been married since 2008 and I’ve only seen his wife twice and the family barely know who she is. I always thought when you love someone you want them to be around the other people you love.  Also with my father’s sister, my aunt, who I think married for financial stability, doesn’t seem happy at all but she’s getting the two income household everyone needs to raise their children comfortably.  So what now? Has love become an agreement? Is marriage a compromise for one another’s personal benefit? I believe so.

I always reflect on my past relationships and thank God He led me through series of events to make it out alive because every single guy I’ve dated could have been my one-way ticket to a lifetime of pain and struggle. In the midst of my chaotic love life I’ve had two abortions, been abused, raped and expendable in every way imaginable but I’m still a free agent. I still have hope that someone can change my outlook on marriage and love one day.  At the end of the day if I were to choose to be in a relationship and unhappy or lonely and unhappy I would choose lonely. If no one comes along I have will grow old and die alone but believe I will die knowing that I left memories of happiness, joy and a fulfilled life that I lived.



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