my biggest regret

From stomach butterflies and warm summer evenings

body heat dripping sweat of lust and infatuation, excitement of a sexual connection
to winter dark skies and cold sleepless nights
memories of you grow deeper in the midnight hour
and as I suffocate myself under thick blankets
crying is the only temporary relief
you are my biggest regret
I’ve become scared of me
I’ve become impatient
my bitter heart is in the way of my sanity
stopping at dead end loves n one way affections is going to be the death of me
and missing connections
But I connected with you
though short lived I shared with you
I cared for you

I have one question for you…

How do you move on?

(2014, Shani)

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It’s Complicated

I don’t have the words to explain this

for once in my life I can actually say it’s complicated.

im a fucking estranged wife and single mother and I didn’t think my life would come to this.

But here it is, guess I have something to write about now… well I did but I put that on the back burner for some time now. Abuse will do that to you. Pain will put you through a creative paralysis.

It started when I found out I was pregnant. What was an ill fate turned to a blessing, my whole life has changed for the better. It didn’t happen overnight though.

So I’m bringing my first love, writing, back to life. I hope you enjoy it.

Rose colored glasses

Separate her body from reality 

In this dimly lit room
She’ll drink your wine 
And let her mind die
While her heart swells inside
You could do no harm 
Through these rose colored glasses 
Your warm hues intice her like pheromones 
You’re magic through smoke screens
surreal like a dream 
A mere pixilation of the perfect fantasy 
She said you could do no harm 
Like a mantra in her head 
You could do no harm 
You could do no har
You could do no ha
You could do no h
You could do no
You could do n 
You could do…
5 years it took 
Enough to shatter them rose colored glasses 
will take a life time to fix
Like a 50 year old fiend
Weakened by the memory of…
 (2015, Shani)

Changes Remain

Time flies and as you experienced every emotion imaginable, he’s engraved in your head

everyday of the week
every scenario
you could see him looking deep into you when you close your eyes and it almost makes you feel half crazy half disappointed because you know
everyone knows you could do better
You force fed the thought that it will never work between you and him
and in time the feelings became diluted to the point where you could look him dead in his eyes and not even feel a flutter deep in your gut as you used to
yet you still think of him
any day of the week
night or day
with no feelings attached, its like he’s here to stay
bitter,
indignant,
upset,
sorrowful,
lighthearted,
tranquil,
passionate,
and more of which as it seems he’d be there to stay
yet still at the end of it all
it’s not your turn to take the fall so remain where you’re at
mindful of what remains never be willing to make the change

And Just As the Seasons Changed…

My feelings for this guy are non existent
As simple as the flowers began to bloom on the trees
I’m beginning to allow the love for myself to bloom once again
And I can look and smile at him with no restriction in my chest
I can to talk to him like I talk to everyone else
I’m free to the hopes of someone else
Instead of being confined in a prison that I made personally for myself
The torture I felt just the other day

Vent 001

I wish I never knew him.

Clouding my vision
Wondering if Ill ever reach clarity
From these feelings I loathe inside of me
Some days are easier than others
Fridays are the hardest
Impatiently waiting for someone to steal his spot
Someone who looks better and treats me right
As if I hate him for existing
I hate me for allowing him to exist
Unsure of what has taken over me
When I see her pretty little face down the hallway
I give her a deep stare knowing what she’s done
Jealousy bubbles up inside me